Calgary is Toxic Outside...
And it's not just the suffocating smoke that chokes everyone indoors every summer for the last 3-4 years. (From forest fires in Northern Alberta & BC)
This is NOT a place for creative people.
This is NOT a place to "Find Yourself" if you have any ambition other than becoming part of the bland, family-minded breeding sector.
Even the "Creative" people are so painfully narrow-minded and limited! I've never met so many limited "Creative" people in my life!
(Like musicians or artists who limit themselves SO MUCH. Do EVERYTHING! It grows your brain! They call it a music "project" for a reason - there is so much more to it than just making music!)
I reject Calgary, as Calgary has rejected me!
People here have very little strength of character - they take comfort in following the rules of being a "goth" or "punk" or whatever, but they are all the same empty people inside, and are not comfortable with people in their circles who don't follow the handbook and learn all the relevant trivia. People here don't like "Outside the box" thinkers in their social circles - they appreciate uniqueness from a distance, but if you're too different, they have no room in their lives for friendship.
I have been told "You are the most "You" you that I've ever met" and I take that as a high compliment!
...except that I have also heard a lot of "You're a really interesting person, but I could never be with anyone like you." or "Nothing meaningful would come of it [being with me]"...that's pretty personally insulting, wouldn't you say?! I was bursting with creative energy and ideas, just dying to be involved in a broad range of ways, but the continuous rejection/rigidity that I was met with was brutal - in multiple types of scenes & crowds.
... I get Culture Shock in my own city every time I deal with the other humans outside...
I'm done suppressing my personality just to get along with these people!
I am a really nice person who has made a huge effort to see things from other people's point of view, and understand others, but I get NONE of that in return! If people have no personal frame of reference for something within their own lives/experiences, then they assume what you have to say is exaggerated, untrue {I have been continuously assumed to be a liar when I talk about myself!! I never lie!!!}, not important, and they consider you not worth dealing with because of it! (I'd say "Fuck those people" but they rule this city! I can't even communicate! Example: People judge me for being so tired and unhealthy all the time from working the night shift for 20 years, like my issues are exaggerated, but they literally say themselves, "But I could
never do it" ...so why am I an exaggerating whiner when my own body gives out??)
People here assume everyone else thinks like they do - so if THEY exaggerate and lie, they assume I must be doing that too. Every judgment another person makes on me is a reflection of who THEY ARE - no one has me "figured out" because I've made it my life's mission to be unique, not-predictable, and continuously changing - no one can have me "figured out" because I certainly don't, and I've isolated myself from others so much for so long, that I am genuinely, from deep within, MY OWN PERSON.
Also - I am very up-front, open, and communicate well when it's clearly important...very few people here are that way in return, even though I go first almost every time! It's fucking DAMAGING over 2 decades...people make their own silent judgments because I am brave enough to be open and real, then they shove me away because I'm too "me".
...not to mention that men won't touch a woman with a tattooed face...doesn't matter if she's pretty, interesting, fun, good at oral sex... "
I could never be with someone like
you." Men prefer a woman who is plain and empty on the inside, so she can be whatever
he wants her to be - doesn't matter that I was in my sexual peak and looking to give some musician the ultimate fantasy... I wasn't empty enough inside for the males here... they don't like their women passionate and intense. (You'll get a fuckin' bucket of cold water dumped on your head every time!!!!!)
People who are creative, and full of energy and life shrivel up and die here.
There for sure are some awesome people here - there are VERY FEW, and they are all really struggling hard with mental issues that come from trying to make living here work. We all cry a lot. Most of us really do feel like we are dying inside.
Even the actual environment is toxic - from migraines and MS being excessive in this area, to the heavy smoke that hangs thick in the air every summer now...even the food is toxic... both wheat and cow's milk should NOT be eaten...but even I still have pizza sometimes, and I feel how it affects me.
Making living in Calgary work for a fun, energetic, happy, creative person is an un-solvable equation.
The only answer is to remove MYSELF from this equation. More than one doctor has told me the problem is NOT ME - it IS where I live! (For sure I know this - I've been dying inside since I got here)
As my body is trapped here (for complex reasons), and my insurance won't pay a suicide,
I have decided that the inside of my home is NOT part of Calgary.
I am mentally removing myself - My home is now a psychological pocket where I can be happy and feel good about myself again. My home is my own country.
[people are effectively doing this every time they make a family - "You live in my house, you live by my rules" - people have said they like the idea of creating "an army of me" (Yuck!!!! Humans are shit and the planet is full - stop making more!!!)]
The air is literally cleaner in my house. (We are told to stay indoors for health reasons)
I keep a different time-zone in my house:
Because I work at night, I have a clock that simulates sunrise and birds for me at 8pm Calgary time, and I use a daylight therapy light to get through the night (So it is my daytime). When I go outside, it is in the off hours when there is almost NO ONE around.
I make my own fun and games! I can make my world anything I want! My house is big!
People really see & perceive things however they choose, so I am choosing my reality - I only work in Calgary, the fun part of me is far away, in Germany with my good friend Stahlschlag, (Sebastian Sünkler - who gave me life again <3) and with the minds and hearts of my true friends. I still support the people who have been there for me in my darkness.
Calgary has made it very clear that I'm not "good enough" for most people here, so I will never dance for Calgary again. But since my home is its own country (Carcass Country! I am President - I bribed my way in! The citizens respond well to bribery!) I can still dance for all my true friends there! It's a great thing I always preferred to dance in an empty bar anyway - I am happy dancing in my own Country for my friends!
Most of my biggest problems stem from trying to like people...
I HATE humans. When I hate them, they never disappoint me - they are shit just as I expect.
I am Anti-Human.
I am actually a really sweet and loving person - Calgary can have back the toxicity it has tainted me with. I don't live there anymore. My good energy is for other people & places.
