So.... I've been intensely suicidal lately...
I'm not usually this way, but some things in life sucked me into a painful despair that no amount of meds or counseling or distracting music, dance & art projects can help...
Whatever - the point is, I'm extremely broken as a person, and when you've tried absolutely everything possible to help yourself, be positive, and make the intense pain inside go away, and nothing works at all the only option left is to remove yourself from the equation... I'm not wanting to hurt myself - just wanted out.
Anyway...at our last band practice I had a profound moment when decided I would die...I would get things in order, write letters, and help my husband (& family) understand how much I just need the pain inside to stop...I decided I would kill myself in about 6-8 months. For sure. (My husband is a very sweet & loving person - my pain comes from other people & circumstances - he is perfect! It is me who is so deeply broken.)
Within 2 hours of solidly deciding that I would choose death, a friend I haven't known very long (Named Tennessee) suddenly offered me a real human skeleton! For free! Totally spontaneously out of the blue! (I don't think he even knows I'm sad) He said it was a teaching model for universities and had been sitting in a box a long time, and he had been looking for the right person to give it to... and it was in my kitchen the next day! He is an African male in his early 30s who died of a tooth abscess. (And my husband had been having VERY intense tooth pain right before we got that skeleton too!)
I wished for death, and my universe gave it to me in a form that made me so happy! I wished for death, and immediately had an actual dead person suddenly on my kitchen floor!!!
I took as a message that there are still lots of crazy-awesome surprises waiting for me, and this was not my time...I changed my mind about dying soon. I got a friend that I needed SO BADLY... I cry on him, and cuddle him, and tell him my secrets...I tell him I love him and it doesn't make me feel bad when I never hear it back...he never makes me feel bad about myself... he will help me enjoy and make the music I love so much that causes me such unbearable tormented despair right now... and he can't die on me! (Like people close to me keep doing)
We hang out now!
I've named him Harold! (My deceased younger brother's middle name...)
He is dead inside and broken to pieces, just like me!
I tell him he may never have guessed when he was alive that he would end up saving the life of a terribly shattered white lady with half her face tattooed...I tell him we will have lots of fun together, even if he's not really into the same things as me. I took him (well, his skull in a box) out to synth night - I carried him around and showed him the synthesizers and we even got to dance a bit together!
I pile his bones around me while I watch TV, or cry, or when I sleep and I tell him how he saved my life, and how I needed him so badly.
Even my husband says the house feels more peaceful with Harold in it...
He doesn't mind that I keep some human bones in our bed for comfort.
I don't know who he is for real, but the second part of his existence is just beginning with me! Someone still needed him very badly, and all my loving affection that got severely fucked up by life has somewhere to go...
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