Angry Rant #4: Things I Said That Sent Men Running Away

Context:
I don't sleep around at all.
I was going into my sexual peak, and was seeking a musician (preferably electronic/industrial music, but I was open to metal and horror punk) to create a musician's type of fantasy for and share my sexual peak with. The one person I really felt passionate desire for not only rejected me in a rude way, but he cut me down as a person when I was having very severe health and mental health problems. So I had been openly telling the "men" I dealt with about my peak, and my shattered state, and I had been offering my peak to someone else - in fact, I literally offered the passion I felt for that one person because I was so hurt and really needed somewhere to direct that sexuality...

Anyway, my peak PASSED.
(I make porn now for therapeutic reasons - it is for my self-esteem, because I USED to be a highly sexual person, but men I wanted never wanted me - my first 2 ex-husbands included)

I was saying such SWEET, SEXY, PASSIONATE things - it meant SO MUCH to me to begin with, especially because I don't sleep around, and sex was still "special" (to me, at least) - but every brutal rejection meant I had to ask someone else...the sexy things I had to say got a lot less special, especially when I had to keep saying these things to other people and NO ONE WAS INTERESTED!!!!!
 (I have a HUGE amount of rage I need to deal with - men destroyed sex for me entirely - my sexual peak was nothing but psychological pain, my entire sexuality was ruined to the point where I am abstinent, and they made me not want the person I was in an OPEN marriage with because I was treated as PROPERTY by all the other males - so my one good marriage ended because of it. I NEVER would have married a 3rd time if I knew I'd be treated like his property by everyone else!!! We were married out of friendship - it was ALWAYS OPEN - but the way I was treated destroyed even that. My ex gave me a separation out of friendship - he was so shocked and disgusted by what he witnessed that he let me go, but it made no difference here. "Men" took everything from me - they use your body while you are young and stupid, they make fun of you for not getting much out of it, then they run the other way as soon as a strong, passionate woman really wants sex, leaving her to feel utterly destroyed and disgusting)


Here are some of the things I said/offered that sent men running: (ALL of these people had seen me dance at shows - my sexuality and my dancing were one, and I ALWAYS dance for ALL bands - it's a respect thing. It's extra insulting that they KNEW what they were turning down!!!!)

1. "Fuck me like the world is about to end and the last thing we will ever do is fuck each other! I want to crush your cock inside me while I roar in your face!"

2. I had drawn sexy artwork & offered anal sex to a Horror Punk musician - I also gave him one of my severed nipple replicas! He tried to pass me off to others in his band, claimed he wanted to be friends, and that was the last I ever heard from him.

3. "I'm so loud when I cum that people can hear me outside, even when I'm shut in my basement, even when I'm alone" - 2 friends did help me with their hands with this one, (appreciated) but it did send many others away.

4. "You make me feel things I've never felt before. Even from across a room, I feel more from you than from most people actually touching me." - That guy told me he'd get nothing meaningful out of even being my friend. I had to continuously apologize to that ass for having feelings for him.

5. "I fuck my bass. I hope to be able to play it that way some day." - a last resort to get the attention of the Music Eunuchs - I had to fuck my equipment to get them to even look in my direction, and they weren't looking at me, just my gear.

6. "Every time I sit down and it feels so nice, I think of you." - that guy stopped speaking to me entirely until he hurried up and got a girlfriend after I sent him a really sexy video. 
(***I now have a friend who sends me pictures to make me hot like this now! It's an honest sentiment - the pics he has sent me are AMAZING! I did some writing under this title, inspired by his cock!)

7. "I love to suck cock with my face wound done. I love to see a cock disappearing into my tattooed and wounded face." 

8. "I'm into fake blood and doing my wound make-up for sexual purposes"

9. "Come play with me!"

10. "I want to climb you and chew on you!"

11. I'd love to be the "Naked-and-screaming" kind of friends most of all!

12. "I used to say I'd try anything once, but now, not so much." - I think, based on the conversation's context, this person thought I had sex with a dog or something - I HAVE NOT. It's not on the list, either. People are SO JUDGMENTAL that I can't open my mouth at all! 

I lost MOST of those "friends" entirely - several stopped speaking to me from my nude photos - most would not even give me an outlet in the form of pictures and videos!!!!!!! (My female friends were there for me in that way - we send each other sexy pictures because men make us feel like garbage.)

These guys KNEW about my tattooed lady parts.

They KNEW how loud I am when I'm intensely sexual.

They KNEW I'm into anal sex.

They KNEW I love to suck cock.

They KNEW I was only seeking ONE PERSON, and it was intended to be the last new sexual partner I would ever have in life - they KNEW I wanted so much to give someone something really intense & special, because I was saying so!

Also - They KNEW I have a fully equipped band room with a mattress... I wanted a creative & fun electronic musician to have a passionate and music-based experience with. 

Isn't that fucked that NOT ONE musician wanted me?!?! Most of them didn't even want to hang out with me!!!!!

Isn't it fucked that I spent almost 3 full years being rejected & made to feel unwanted and un-sexy???!!!!! 
Isn't it fucked right up that "men" here DON'T WANT a passionate, sexual woman who wants to give someone a fantasy experience???!!!!!

NO WONDER I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

None of them deserved my sexy art, photos, videos and passionate thoughts that were intended for someone special.

That's why I share these things with the world now - so the whole world can see exactly what NO ONE wanted.

I play by myself with my camera as my partner & lover, and the world is invited into my privacy.

I think my friends out there are way more deserving of "special" and my artistic, playful, creative side to (what's left of) my sexuality.

Suicide: Don't Judge Things You Don't Understand

One of the women in my department committed suicide sometime in the last couple of days...
(When I speak, it is from life experience - my brother and Aunt both killed themselves, and I very nearly took that step myself last summer...)

People judge - they say suicides are cowards, and are taking the "easy" way out... those people clearly know NOTHING. There is NOTHING easy about taking your own life at all! You DO think of your loved ones - sometimes just being alive and conscious is SO PAINFUL that you would do anything to make the pain inside stop. Estrogen bursts alone can cause such intense rage or despair that every ticking second is utterly unbearable, and just getting through the day is LITERALLY almost painful from just how shitty you feel from your own body chemistry - sometimes a bullet in the head would be a welcome relief...

Emotional pain is WAY worse than physical - it can really destroy you as a person, from within. Emotional pain can take EVERYTHING from you - it can take your whole life.
(Example - my brother's death destroyed my father...he was the one who found the body... he had a premonition it would happen the week before and I think he has never forgiven himself for not preventing it somehow.)

...the judgmental "friends" that suicides leave behind are possibly a part of WHY that person's life was unbearable. I also notice a lot of "friends" at funerals or graveside that were never friends in life...but suicides usually don't have funerals - the family is usually in too much shocked despair to face people and grieve in front of others.) These kinds of "friends" are certainly being disrespectful, even if their judgements are religion-based. ("She won't get into heaven now" - that's NOT HELPFUL - how about you cook some meals for the family left behind without your voice in the matter.)

Everyone has some opinion when someone commits suicide - this is what I have to say:

NO ONE really knows how this person was feeling inside - not even those closest to them. If you are lucky enough to be someone this person confides in, you possibly know just how painful just existing is for that person - you should UNDERSTAND the need to make the pain stop.
Aside from that - NO ONE is entitled to have an opinion! Period!
No - I'm not saying keep it to yourself - you are NOT ACTUALLY ENTITLED to your opinion here! (Guess what - the family is likely in way too much grief & shock to even start forming opinions for quite some time themselves - what gives anyone else the right????)

The internet had deluded the masses into thinking every petty opinion matters, but in suicide, it is that person's life, that person's choice, that person's body.  Sometimes staying alive just for your family members that love you is unfair - some of us never wanted to be alive right from early childhood. We are all entitled to end the burden that is our human condition when we decide - my poor grandmother was BEGGING for death towards the end of her life - she had dementia so badly that it degenerated her neurons responsible for hearing and sight. She was SO ALONE in a crowded room - she couldn't see or hear, and she would wake up terrified because she had no idea where she was... I HOPE I can end my own life before it gets to that!!!! My grandmother was a WONDERFUL woman who suffered so much psychologically for SO LONG - she would ask my mom, hopefully, if she was going to die soon yet...

All you can do is help the person in life, and help them understand that medication is there to HELP them and is really necessary with severe depression (it IS a clinical illness).
I respect a person's right to end their own suffering. I understand.

The other thing I have to say is this:
Every highly educated and intelligent person I know has felt suicidal at some point, or taken comfort that they could end their life if necessary - intelligence and happiness don't mix very well, because intelligent people see the shitty world REALLY CLEARLY and it's fuckin' hard to always stay happy when you see reality really clearly.

I very much hope Brandy has found the peace she could not find in life - I did not really know her in person, but I really understand.
My warmest wishes go out to her and her family.

Lab Blab: Tales From The Night Shift

OK - Gotta share some stories from work, 'cuz I really laugh sometimes!

(I'm in Microbiology, on the Graveyard Shift)

One of my Co-workers, Imad, has the most ridiculous things happen to him - (He is older and from India too, so he is so visually mismatched to some of his funny stories)

Story#1:
For several months (a few years ago) there was some major construction project going on in the ceiling that involved quite a few workers on scaffolding right above our heads. (When they dropped a wrench, it was just a foot over my head - startles the CRAP out of you!!! The tools would usually start dropping around 6am...)

Anyway, Imad had gone to the men's washroom to take a shit one morning, and had actually finished up by the time he realized that the ceiling over that whole area had been opened up, and 2 people had been looking down at him the whole time!!!!! (Why wouldn't they go for coffee as soon as he sat down????) He won't tell me more than that - I keep asking if he still had to wipe after he realized he had an audience!

(My boss giggles so much when we talk about that one!)

Story #2:
Imad is the LEAST likely person you would guess would have a belly button ring - but yup, he does!
My boss had been teasing him about it when I accidentally divulged that information one morning - it turned into us texting her a photo of his VERY HAIRY belly and piercing (Looked a lot like a lower hairy hole I could mention!) and told her it was her new screen saver! I laughed SO HARD when I took the photo for him!!!! We told her it also comes without hair, and decorated with ornaments for Christmas Time. :)   She's the ONLY boss you can joke with like that here! 

Story #3:
Shortly after starting at the lab, Imad said he had a source on a sample as "Vaginal Vault" (It's just where your lady parts end off inside when they've removed your uterus.) As we usually do, he looked it up on the internet, and what he got was a full-color photo of very hairy lady parts just as my boss had silently walked up behind him!!!! "Imad!!!" She gasped (She goes bright red in the face too!) and he had to do some fast explaining that he didn't know that was going to pop up!
(Someone ALWAYS walks up behind him in the 3 seconds he might embarrass himself!)

Story #4:
Most of my co-workers pass out in their chair at some point or another due to exhaustion - one woman even falls asleep standing up, propped up on a counter!!!
2 different people now have told me they fall asleep while stirring poo samples, and they smear it up their glove and sleeve, while leaving face-prints on the plexiglass Safety Cabinet cover!!! I think I'm the only person who has NOT fallen asleep in the middle of a task! (I still leave face-prints - I'm just clumsy!) 

Story #5:
One night, about 15-20 mins after the person working in that spot went home, a poo sample on her bench exploded all over the ceiling! She just missed having it all over the side of her face!!! Luckily I was on my break at the time, but that means it took me about 5 hours to figure out where that shitty smell was coming from - it wasn't until I saw the little spork from the sample jars sitting in a little blob on the floor that I started to look around... Almost the whole damn thing had hit the ceiling! It was a hilarious mess!!!! (I so regret not having a camera!) I cleaned the workspace, but left the ceiling as it was for my boss to see - she laughed SO HARD! She's so nice - she got up there herself and took the ceiling tiles out.

People out in the rest of the world really don't get or enjoy my "Off" humor, but you have to have a weird sense of humor to work here! Some nights my co-workers really make me laugh!!!!

Health, Wellness, Mental Health: Best Non-Prescription Solutions

Sometimes just getting to a doctor, or getting them to understand your issues, can be impossible! (Sometimes the non-understanding-ness of doctors can make mental health issues worse.)

There IS value in self-medication! 

No one knows you like you do! Medicinal marijuana being legal in Canada is exactly about that!

(Even if you just get your anxieties under control for more serious medical-related interactions)

If you get your internal body chemistry under healthy control, all the situational stresses and problems that pop up through life become easier to deal with more calmly and objectively. Stress is toxic, and difficulties coping with life due to body chemistry problems can really compound every other problem you have in life.

(I do work in the health industry, so I do have a somewhat educated view of things too)

Here are my favorite Non-Prescription remedies!

They REALLY WORK for me! 

(All available on Amazon except CBD & THC)

1. CBD Oil (Canada only)
       Stimulates your body's endocannabinoid system - relieves anxiety, stress, pain, helps with neurological issues of all kinds. Works best with THC in about a 1:1 ratio. I like the sublingual oil best, as you get 100% of the compound into your system in a ready-to-go state, whereas vaporizing requires more fussing around with potential to miss out on some of the chemicals.

2. CB2 Activators (Best in Hemp oil) 
         This activates your CB2 receptors directly (Synergistic effect if mixed with CBD!) to enable your body to  better utilize it's own endocannabinoids, with the hemp oil providing Omega 3-6-9 fatty acids used in the production of more within your body.
***Product does NOT contain CBD or THC, but they work well together!




3. Terpenes (Pure form)
       Strong anxiety? Cranky? Sore? Not sleeping well?
       Terpenes are available in pure form! And they can be extracted from non-Cannabis sources, so I ordered it legally from the US. Mercene is the best-seller - it works really well as a muscle relaxant anti-anxiety solution, that is known to combat tumor growth in cancer patients.
(Also good: Limonene, Humulene for immunity, Linalool - they all taste weird, but a little in a fruit drink makes you feel so much nicer than alcohol.)









4. Ginseng

Dried Ginseng is energizing, stimulating,

and actually sexually arousing to a varying degree. It is good for immunity and circulation too!

Tea Bags

Soften the dried root by making a tea, but still eat the root!

Asian women have given Ginseng to their men to enhance sexual performance for centuries - so share a cup of tea and roots with your lover!

5. CES Device

        We are electrochemical beings, and the brain controls the whole body - this device uses low frequency electrical impulses to pretty much reset your brain! They DO still use electroshock therapy in really severe cases of depression (It's not just some horror of the past, like in-office lobotomies - it's still around because it does help) Basically, if you feel just so out-of-whack that no solutions really bring you back to feeling like your old (younger) self, this really does feel like a "Reset" button for your brain! I was shocked how well this worked on just the first 15min use! It claims to regulate your limbic system right from the source - your brain! It claims to help everything from bipolar disorder and severe depression to low sex drive and insomnia - everything that this device claimed to help, it really did for me! (It was approved for therapeutic use by both Health Canada & the European Union, according to the pamphlet) Also promoted for chronic pain relief and migraines.

6. DIM - Daily Estrogen metabolism support

        This product really saves my sanity! Too much estrogen is bad! Estrogen metabolism is very important (even in males, and even if you are not menopausal) and in women, estrogen levels can fluctuate by as much as 6000% (compared to male hormones that fluctuate only by up to 400% - info is from a course I'd taken a while back) and anything that helps safely metabolize too much estrogen will go a long way to making you feel calm and stable. (Really helps with the big mood swings quite a lot! If women you know are very stable, they are likely on a hormone-based birth control which does stabilize that stuff.) Estrogen DOES affect how the brain functions - it DOES affect emotion, behavior, memory, anger, social & sexual desire, and it is very heavily linked to breast cancer. (In both genders!) This supplement even claims to provide good breast health!
        This product IS OK for men too! Many foods have compounds that can mimic estrogen within the body (cabbage is known to be a bad one) and contributes to the feminization of males. The guy I know who takes one pill a week says it really helps him focus, and removes any emotional tendencies he may have been feeling at the time. 
     {   ***SECRET: Women ARE all crazy - it's the fuckin' hormones combined with guys saying dumb shit right at the wrong time! If a woman is grumpy, ask her if there is anything she would like her naughty parts licked or her feet rubbed, and if she's all toothy snarls, just gently ask if she'd like anything from the store and give her some time without your voice aggravating an un-winnable situation... the anger stays after the hormones are gone... don't poke the bears!    }

7. Daylight Therapy light
       Good for shift work, seasonal depression, or for people who spend a lot of time indoors.
       Blue light that is natural in daylight increases serotonin production (which improves melatonin production), energizes the mind and improves mood and wakefulness. Also helps keep a circadian rhythm going more correctly in night-shift workers.
   Also Great:
         Sunrise-simulating alarm clock with birds. :)

8. Vitamin D Gummies - Canadians are chronically low!
     Low Vitamin D is connected to feelings of intense despair
    (Make as many vitamins gummies as possible - then you look forward to vitamin time because it's Candy Time!)

9. Quit eating wheat... 
...that's NOT just a fad, it IS bad for us as it is now. It DOES affect your mood, even if your are not officially celiac. (Even if you can digest it comfortably, a large reduction really does make your whole body feel better... Cow's milk too... the Canada food guide has been WRONG for a long time!) TRY going without - eating a meal should NOT involve a crampy or uncomfortable digesting period! Don't just get used to it - your body is telling you something when a meal doesn't sit right.

11. Ions!

Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp

      Negative ions clean and freshen the air, and affect health, breathing and body function. 

Ionizing Fan

      Areas with low negative ions often have higher migraine, MS, and other neurological issues. There is even an entire hospital built underground in an old salt mine, with tangible beneficial effects for respiratory illnesses.
      Make your bedroom your "Ion Chamber" with an ionizing fan or Himalayan salt lamp! (I use both) The air actually DOES feel more refreshing - just like ocean or forest air! 


12. Create a beautiful space.
Hang beautiful pictures/art/decorations around your personal space. What goes in your eyeball DOES affect your mind/feelings/mental state. Make as much of your outer environment feel like your Happy Place. If your home is your castle, maybe it should resemble one a little bit here and there.

13. Garden!
     We have lost our connection with nature - growing a garden is really rewarding, and beautiful.
      Plants won't push your buttons, argue, or cause other grief - even if they die on you, you won't grieve deeply (usually). Plants are the peaceful side of life, and they give off oxygen - how can you go wrong?  (Extra-helpful: If you have a living companion, there is room for a Sexy Gardener fantasy in there too!)

Even in limited space you can have a beautiful garden!

14. Sexuality IS important to mental and physical health.
 (So is safety about it) There is a REASON doctors ask if you have a healthy sex life - we are biological, and it is important to wellness...though I have not found an in-person mate that can help with that, an on-line naughty friendship is very good for the self-esteem and endorphins. Taking sexy pictures of yourself feels good when you have a friend to show and share with - everyone needs to feel sexy from within, and women need to stop complaining about dick pics. Appreciate the friendly salute and pay a respectful compliment! 

  [I reached a point where I refuse to keep friendships with people who are not OK with me being open about sexuality - grow the hell up! Be polite, flattering, and act like fucking gentlemen (or lady) - you do a little damage to every person you reject carelessly, so have some respect for people's feelings and psychological needs.]

I hope I have been helpful!

Stay well-balanced, healthy & HAPPY!