More Non-Prescription Remedies That Work for me!
(I have LOTS of problems - PTSD, Chronic Stress Burn-out, and Night Shift health problems)
L-Theanine:
Amino Acid supplement - promotes relaxation and corrects negative effects of coffee. (Articles I've read suggest taking it with your coffee - seems to really take that edge off!!!! I'm even a bit less shaky!)
5-HTP:
This is the precursor to serotonin. It is like "food" to produce more serotonin.
Serotonin is depleted by:
Stress, lack of sunlight, coffee & alcohol, poor diet, as well as life's shitty circumstances. If you get body chemistry stuff sorted out, life's shit becomes a little more manageable.
**DO NOT take if your are already taking anti-depressants - you risk producing too much serotonin, which can lead to serotonin toxicity.
Binaural Tones:
Frequencies specifically for mood elevation, healing, migraine relief, serotonin & dopamine production, lucid dreaming, and all sorts of things are out there on the internet. You need a good pair of headphones that can handle sounds BELOW 20 Hz - the lowest frequencies really feel the most effective (To me & a friend of mine)
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Sunday, December 1, 2019
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Angry Rant #7: I am sexually NON-FUNCTIONAL because of How I've Been Treated
I don't think the people I explain myself to really grasp the seriousness of the problems I have now because of men...
Every time I've ever been really turned on, the person I have been hot for has dumped a bucket of cold water on my head (figuratively) right when I have been hottest. It is SO HARD for me to want a man sexually because of how I have been treated my whole life, and when I can finally manage it (even with the guy's permission and encouragement) I STILL get that bucket of water on my head when I'm hot!!!!!!!
Don't fucking talk to me unless you mean what you say.
DO NOT attempt to help me with my sexual problems unless you are actually willing to go through with things you say. MY BODY DOESN'T WORK AT ALL ANYMORE because of the way men are STILL continuing to treat me!!!!!! I don't get wet, and I DON'T get turned on (I fake it with lube for my porn) - there is nothing I can even think of to masturbate to. Men failed me (and most women I'm sure) VERY BADLY. I used to be a sexual person, but now I am NOT. As I have said, I am abstinent, and staying that way. The only associations I have with sex are BAD.
I HATE SEX - it's for men, not women! Men get to cum every time - there's no such thing as bad sex for MEN - for women, all we get is BAD. Men did this to a really passionate, hot woman!!!! Guys don't want that kind of thing - this is decades of experience talking. I CAN'T enjoy sex anymore, even with my ex Nick because of what men have done to my psychology. I am NOT exaggerating - what keeps happening to me is BRUTAL. And humiliating.
I fucking hate people. The people I was opening up to needed to take my problems WAY more seriously than they were, because all they have done is destroy me further.
***UPDATE:
I found some pills on Amazon that really work for women this way!!!! (I searched "Viagra for women") These take 8 weeks to build up though, but I'm suddenly noticing a change at 2 weeks! Yay for science!!!!!!
A great gift for a lady at this time of year! ;)
Every time I've ever been really turned on, the person I have been hot for has dumped a bucket of cold water on my head (figuratively) right when I have been hottest. It is SO HARD for me to want a man sexually because of how I have been treated my whole life, and when I can finally manage it (even with the guy's permission and encouragement) I STILL get that bucket of water on my head when I'm hot!!!!!!!
Don't fucking talk to me unless you mean what you say.
DO NOT attempt to help me with my sexual problems unless you are actually willing to go through with things you say. MY BODY DOESN'T WORK AT ALL ANYMORE because of the way men are STILL continuing to treat me!!!!!! I don't get wet, and I DON'T get turned on (I fake it with lube for my porn) - there is nothing I can even think of to masturbate to. Men failed me (and most women I'm sure) VERY BADLY. I used to be a sexual person, but now I am NOT. As I have said, I am abstinent, and staying that way. The only associations I have with sex are BAD.
I HATE SEX - it's for men, not women! Men get to cum every time - there's no such thing as bad sex for MEN - for women, all we get is BAD. Men did this to a really passionate, hot woman!!!! Guys don't want that kind of thing - this is decades of experience talking. I CAN'T enjoy sex anymore, even with my ex Nick because of what men have done to my psychology. I am NOT exaggerating - what keeps happening to me is BRUTAL. And humiliating.
I fucking hate people. The people I was opening up to needed to take my problems WAY more seriously than they were, because all they have done is destroy me further.
***UPDATE:
I found some pills on Amazon that really work for women this way!!!! (I searched "Viagra for women") These take 8 weeks to build up though, but I'm suddenly noticing a change at 2 weeks! Yay for science!!!!!!
A great gift for a lady at this time of year! ;)Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Angry Rant #6: I Prefer the Company Of Feces
I work in Microbiology in a medical lab.
I was semi-retired for about 7 years so I could make friends and have a social life.
I went BACK to working full time because the feces are much better company than the people in this shitty city. At least a log of shit is honest - it's not going to hug you and try to be "friends" and hide it's shittyness like people here. I'd take an honest pile of shit over a phony "nice" person any day.
...I once found handling the shit samples a bit distasteful, but it's the people here that really leave the taste of excrement lingering in the back of my throat - in comparison, the shit is a breath of fresh air.
Fuck this shithole.
I was semi-retired for about 7 years so I could make friends and have a social life.
I went BACK to working full time because the feces are much better company than the people in this shitty city. At least a log of shit is honest - it's not going to hug you and try to be "friends" and hide it's shittyness like people here. I'd take an honest pile of shit over a phony "nice" person any day.
...I once found handling the shit samples a bit distasteful, but it's the people here that really leave the taste of excrement lingering in the back of my throat - in comparison, the shit is a breath of fresh air.
Fuck this shithole.
Friday, November 8, 2019
Angry Rant #5: Debunking "Pansexuality"
"pan-" as a prefix means "all"
Unless you are having sex with children & dead things of multiple species, as well as objects, you are NOT pansexual.
Any time someone tells me they are "pansexual" I usually enthusiastically ask if they are into dead things, animals and kids - the answer often involves some kind of back-pedaling.
Even I am NOT pansexual, and I fuck a lot of unusual stuff.
People need to get over their need for some special designation to their sexuality - I've labelled myself as "onanistic technosexual" just because my lack of label-ability has always really made people uncomfortable my whole life, so they apply WRONG labels to me just to give themselves some comfort. Guess what - most people have developed into onanistic technosexuals!!!! They have this need to incorporate the internet in their sexual expression, (haha - or toys, it's all technology!) and have less desire to participate in person. I was being a bit sarcastic (and a little bitter) with that idea.
SO, unless you are saying you're a pedophile to some degree, I suggest you NOT tell people you are "pansexual", no matter how many things or people you fuck.
Pitfalls of Staying to Positive: Sometimes You Have to be Realistic
Staying positive sounds like the right/only way to go, right?
I have not found that to be true in actual practice...
Sometimes not knowing when to say, "Fuck you/this, this is shitty and I'm angry!" is DENIAL and non-helpful in getting you closer to where you want to be in life. Being too positive all the time also contributes to habitual cycles of people taking advantage of a nice person, and there is shock all around if that person ever objects to being taken advantage of, because, "What's your problem? Things have always been this way - why are you getting mad now? You're crazy." and some people will try to tell you that you are a shitty friend if you ever stand up and say, "ENOUGH - I'm not happy."
Here are some examples of the Stay Positive Theory working against you:
1. I had a super-shitty 2nd marriage - lots of psychological issues, stress, lack of friends for support - I used to try to work on things in a positive way, and would only write positive things to that REALLY SELFISH person (he was a freeloader and user - not just to me, but to all his "friends") in romantic letters - I literally filled thousands of pages (Something like 6 books or something like that) in an effort to create a better marriage through positivity. The REALITY was such utter garbage - like if I hugged that guy he would not hug me back!!!!! - that after a while I was sick of trying to be positive, especially for a selfish person who expected me to support him and he couldn't even be bothered to lick my fucking pussy once in a while. I told him that the illusion that was created by me writing positive things was such an utter bullshit lie, and that the marriage that was described in that writing was some fictional fantasy, and NONE of that writing was meant for him. I literally took hundreds-thousands of writings and ripped almost every single thing to shreds, and told him none of that was ever meant for him. I left him with one book only - the first one I had given him as a wedding gift and I told him, "I want you too keep this one, so you will always remember what you fucked up."
2. If you are the positive-thinking kind of person that always works hard at making a relationship work, you will always be the person to be dumped in the end - nothing sucks worse than being dumped by someone who's providing a shitty relationship on their end.
3. I watch a lot of true crime shows - there are quite a few cases where women are in abusive relationships for a very long time, and because they put on a good front, maintaining an illusion of a perfect family and all that, if they ever kill that abusive spouse one day in self-preservation, because people only saw the positive front on display... NO ONE knows what goes on in a relationship in private, but people are all so certain they know what's going on from what they see on the outside - many abused women were executed when they stood up to their abuser.
4. If you are too positive, and that's the only part of yourself you show friends, you will find as soon as you show that you have any kind of problems, you suddenly don't have most of those "friends" - you will be blamed for things you can't help. People won't be very forgiving of your human issues.
So - positivity is great, but it can really work against you.
Sometimes you have to say FUCK YOU!!
I have not found that to be true in actual practice...
Sometimes not knowing when to say, "Fuck you/this, this is shitty and I'm angry!" is DENIAL and non-helpful in getting you closer to where you want to be in life. Being too positive all the time also contributes to habitual cycles of people taking advantage of a nice person, and there is shock all around if that person ever objects to being taken advantage of, because, "What's your problem? Things have always been this way - why are you getting mad now? You're crazy." and some people will try to tell you that you are a shitty friend if you ever stand up and say, "ENOUGH - I'm not happy."
Here are some examples of the Stay Positive Theory working against you:
1. I had a super-shitty 2nd marriage - lots of psychological issues, stress, lack of friends for support - I used to try to work on things in a positive way, and would only write positive things to that REALLY SELFISH person (he was a freeloader and user - not just to me, but to all his "friends") in romantic letters - I literally filled thousands of pages (Something like 6 books or something like that) in an effort to create a better marriage through positivity. The REALITY was such utter garbage - like if I hugged that guy he would not hug me back!!!!! - that after a while I was sick of trying to be positive, especially for a selfish person who expected me to support him and he couldn't even be bothered to lick my fucking pussy once in a while. I told him that the illusion that was created by me writing positive things was such an utter bullshit lie, and that the marriage that was described in that writing was some fictional fantasy, and NONE of that writing was meant for him. I literally took hundreds-thousands of writings and ripped almost every single thing to shreds, and told him none of that was ever meant for him. I left him with one book only - the first one I had given him as a wedding gift and I told him, "I want you too keep this one, so you will always remember what you fucked up."
2. If you are the positive-thinking kind of person that always works hard at making a relationship work, you will always be the person to be dumped in the end - nothing sucks worse than being dumped by someone who's providing a shitty relationship on their end.
3. I watch a lot of true crime shows - there are quite a few cases where women are in abusive relationships for a very long time, and because they put on a good front, maintaining an illusion of a perfect family and all that, if they ever kill that abusive spouse one day in self-preservation, because people only saw the positive front on display... NO ONE knows what goes on in a relationship in private, but people are all so certain they know what's going on from what they see on the outside - many abused women were executed when they stood up to their abuser.
4. If you are too positive, and that's the only part of yourself you show friends, you will find as soon as you show that you have any kind of problems, you suddenly don't have most of those "friends" - you will be blamed for things you can't help. People won't be very forgiving of your human issues.
So - positivity is great, but it can really work against you.
Sometimes you have to say FUCK YOU!!
Thursday, November 7, 2019
Women that Are Attracted to Objects (Objectum Sexuality Documentary) | O...
It's interesting how a lot of the objects these women are sexually attracted to are metal - one woman said something about the energy of her metal bow flowing into her and her energy flowing into it - that is not so ridiculous as it seems, as metals share a "sea of electrons", if someone felt such a strong connection to a metal object they are touching, that flow of energy (especially because the brain and body are very electromagnetic) is an entirely possible thing. Maybe these women are MORE tuned in to their surroundings than the average person. Everyone DOES know what it's like to love something inanimate - almost every very young child develops a loving attachment to stuffed toys (or similar things).
...and objects won't hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad about yourself... I've come to discover that I'd WAY rather fuck my music equipment than an actual musician! (That is their fault though!)
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Music for Mental Health: Serotonin Release - Alpha Waves for Serotonin & Endorphins - Binaural Be...
Play these behind games/movies or during meditation.
Healthy Mind: Quantum Focus - Increase Focus, Concentration, Memory - Binaural Beats -...
Run this behind games/movies or for meditation.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
5th EP & 5th Official Music Video Out Now!
Heavy Sci-Fi Horror Industrial Music -
More METAL!
Necropolis OFFICIAL Music Video (18+ Only)
This video was causing me difficulties - just the cemetery parts... and as soon as I posted it, my copy wouldn't work anymore!
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
What I Look For In Friendships
I love productive people!
I love people who are creative and versatile in their creativity - who don't limit themselves to just one or two forms of expression.
I love people I can share ideas with, and we can hang out and create together, even if we each work on our own thing. The best friendships are the ones that inspire! I love people who are always working on something, but not so focused that they've really limited themselves.
I only keep friends who make an effort to be understanding - no one ever really understands another person, but the continuous effort from our friends is what matters most. I am a really understanding person until people are not understanding for me - then I shut that right down, and I deliberately give them a taste of their own crap.
I prefer the company of outcasts, or people who stand out as really different. I need people who I can share the rejection of the world with, and who hate most people as much as I do. I love people who have so much strength of unique character that they are their own being. ...I love lonely people... I love independent thinkers with open minds.
I love people who have a realistic view of their own shortcomings (because we ALL have them) and are honest about themselves, and make the ongoing effort through life to be a better person. As humans, we are all shit - I have huge respect for people who work on their own human natures. I have no room for arrogance in my friendships, no matter who that person happens to be. No one is perfect - and I honestly hate "perfect people" - I find they are very judgmental.
I prefer friendships with people who struggle with their self-esteem and mental health issues (In an honest-with-themselves way) who make the ongoing effort to work on those things - it's a huge part of who I am, and people who don't struggle in life can't possibly be understanding enough for me. I like people I can share experiences with, so we can learn together, or feel better together, or just check in with for a hug. (Though I don't have time or tolerance for people who don't do everything they can to help themselves - I don't respect people who wallow in misery and expect others to fix everything.)
I prefer people who understand that "finding yourself" is a lifelong journey - as soon as you have "found yourself" you create limitations, weather you mean to or not. I love people who are into as many things different from me as similar - you have to have things in common, but I love someone who can show me something new, or show me an old idea in a new way. I really love to hear about why people choose the interests / path they choose, as I have always felt so overwhelmed with possibilities that I become lost. I love people who help me think! Or think differently!
I love quiet people who still have a fun side. People around me need to have the ability to be fun and silly! I've had a really sad, serious, stressful life - I'm ridiculous and silly because it's the only way I can overcome that stuff. I joke about serious matters because if I don't, I'll hang myself.
I need friends who understand they can't make assumptions about me based on what they learn from other people - they need to understand that I'm not like the people around us because I've made the on-going effort not to be my whole life. ...they also need to understand that I have severe psychological problems that stem from the experiences I've had with people - my friends have to be OK with me crying, or ranting angrily (I rant into the air - I don't point it at my friends unless that friendship is over.) ...I am permanently damaged by life and I do my best.
I don't trust people who are friends with everyone - either their friendship is extremely cheap, or they are not being real enough to have passionate differences.
I don't keep friends who are not OK with my openness about sexuality, or my nude photos. I have been shamed about my sexuality ENOUGH. I work sex into everything I do because it's who I am, and I am DONE being told by men that my sexual needs are not important. I post porn for therapeutic reasons, and I actually have found that I really love doing it!
I also don't keep friends who don't speak to me when something is clearly really important to communicate to me. (Like "need to know" information - things that are OBVIOUS a friend should speak up about...I know people have their own problems, but somethings are really obvious that you should tell someone.)
The best friends are the ones who help each other move forward.
The only in-person friends I keep are my "Mental Health" friends. I only keep friendships of compassion. (And I only keep friends who wouldn't be offended if I sent them porn. The rest either need to take the stick out of their butts, or shove it in further!)
People need to understand that I REALLY LIMIT my contact with other people - if I am in your life and being friendly, you have to take me while I'm there - I am a magical person when I am happy. When people bring me happiness, I love to share my good energy.
My presence in someone's life is "special", whether they realize it (or agree with it) or not.
****I also really need people who can help me get out of this steaming shit pile known as Calgary - I need people I can travel with or visit!
I love people who are creative and versatile in their creativity - who don't limit themselves to just one or two forms of expression.
I love people I can share ideas with, and we can hang out and create together, even if we each work on our own thing. The best friendships are the ones that inspire! I love people who are always working on something, but not so focused that they've really limited themselves.
I only keep friends who make an effort to be understanding - no one ever really understands another person, but the continuous effort from our friends is what matters most. I am a really understanding person until people are not understanding for me - then I shut that right down, and I deliberately give them a taste of their own crap.
I prefer the company of outcasts, or people who stand out as really different. I need people who I can share the rejection of the world with, and who hate most people as much as I do. I love people who have so much strength of unique character that they are their own being. ...I love lonely people... I love independent thinkers with open minds.
I love people who have a realistic view of their own shortcomings (because we ALL have them) and are honest about themselves, and make the ongoing effort through life to be a better person. As humans, we are all shit - I have huge respect for people who work on their own human natures. I have no room for arrogance in my friendships, no matter who that person happens to be. No one is perfect - and I honestly hate "perfect people" - I find they are very judgmental.
I prefer friendships with people who struggle with their self-esteem and mental health issues (In an honest-with-themselves way) who make the ongoing effort to work on those things - it's a huge part of who I am, and people who don't struggle in life can't possibly be understanding enough for me. I like people I can share experiences with, so we can learn together, or feel better together, or just check in with for a hug. (Though I don't have time or tolerance for people who don't do everything they can to help themselves - I don't respect people who wallow in misery and expect others to fix everything.)
I prefer people who understand that "finding yourself" is a lifelong journey - as soon as you have "found yourself" you create limitations, weather you mean to or not. I love people who are into as many things different from me as similar - you have to have things in common, but I love someone who can show me something new, or show me an old idea in a new way. I really love to hear about why people choose the interests / path they choose, as I have always felt so overwhelmed with possibilities that I become lost. I love people who help me think! Or think differently!
I love quiet people who still have a fun side. People around me need to have the ability to be fun and silly! I've had a really sad, serious, stressful life - I'm ridiculous and silly because it's the only way I can overcome that stuff. I joke about serious matters because if I don't, I'll hang myself.
I need friends who understand they can't make assumptions about me based on what they learn from other people - they need to understand that I'm not like the people around us because I've made the on-going effort not to be my whole life. ...they also need to understand that I have severe psychological problems that stem from the experiences I've had with people - my friends have to be OK with me crying, or ranting angrily (I rant into the air - I don't point it at my friends unless that friendship is over.) ...I am permanently damaged by life and I do my best.
I don't trust people who are friends with everyone - either their friendship is extremely cheap, or they are not being real enough to have passionate differences.
I don't keep friends who are not OK with my openness about sexuality, or my nude photos. I have been shamed about my sexuality ENOUGH. I work sex into everything I do because it's who I am, and I am DONE being told by men that my sexual needs are not important. I post porn for therapeutic reasons, and I actually have found that I really love doing it!
I also don't keep friends who don't speak to me when something is clearly really important to communicate to me. (Like "need to know" information - things that are OBVIOUS a friend should speak up about...I know people have their own problems, but somethings are really obvious that you should tell someone.)
The best friends are the ones who help each other move forward.
The only in-person friends I keep are my "Mental Health" friends. I only keep friendships of compassion. (And I only keep friends who wouldn't be offended if I sent them porn. The rest either need to take the stick out of their butts, or shove it in further!)
People need to understand that I REALLY LIMIT my contact with other people - if I am in your life and being friendly, you have to take me while I'm there - I am a magical person when I am happy. When people bring me happiness, I love to share my good energy.
My presence in someone's life is "special", whether they realize it (or agree with it) or not.
****I also really need people who can help me get out of this steaming shit pile known as Calgary - I need people I can travel with or visit!
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Angry Rant #4: Things I Said That Sent Men Running Away
Context:
I don't sleep around at all.
I was going into my sexual peak, and was seeking a musician (preferably electronic/industrial music, but I was open to metal and horror punk) to create a musician's type of fantasy for and share my sexual peak with. The one person I really felt passionate desire for not only rejected me in a rude way, but he cut me down as a person when I was having very severe health and mental health problems. So I had been openly telling the "men" I dealt with about my peak, and my shattered state, and I had been offering my peak to someone else - in fact, I literally offered the passion I felt for that one person because I was so hurt and really needed somewhere to direct that sexuality...
Anyway, my peak PASSED.
(I make porn now for therapeutic reasons - it is for my self-esteem, because I USED to be a highly sexual person, but men I wanted never wanted me - my first 2 ex-husbands included)
I was saying such SWEET, SEXY, PASSIONATE things - it meant SO MUCH to me to begin with, especially because I don't sleep around, and sex was still "special" (to me, at least) - but every brutal rejection meant I had to ask someone else...the sexy things I had to say got a lot less special, especially when I had to keep saying these things to other people and NO ONE WAS INTERESTED!!!!!
(I have a HUGE amount of rage I need to deal with - men destroyed sex for me entirely - my sexual peak was nothing but psychological pain, my entire sexuality was ruined to the point where I am abstinent, and they made me not want the person I was in an OPEN marriage with because I was treated as PROPERTY by all the other males - so my one good marriage ended because of it. I NEVER would have married a 3rd time if I knew I'd be treated like his property by everyone else!!! We were married out of friendship - it was ALWAYS OPEN - but the way I was treated destroyed even that. My ex gave me a separation out of friendship - he was so shocked and disgusted by what he witnessed that he let me go, but it made no difference here. "Men" took everything from me - they use your body while you are young and stupid, they make fun of you for not getting much out of it, then they run the other way as soon as a strong, passionate woman really wants sex, leaving her to feel utterly destroyed and disgusting)
Here are some of the things I said/offered that sent men running: (ALL of these people had seen me dance at shows - my sexuality and my dancing were one, and I ALWAYS dance for ALL bands - it's a respect thing. It's extra insulting that they KNEW what they were turning down!!!!)
1. "Fuck me like the world is about to end and the last thing we will ever do is fuck each other! I want to crush your cock inside me while I roar in your face!"
2. I had drawn sexy artwork & offered anal sex to a Horror Punk musician - I also gave him one of my severed nipple replicas! He tried to pass me off to others in his band, claimed he wanted to be friends, and that was the last I ever heard from him.
3. "I'm so loud when I cum that people can hear me outside, even when I'm shut in my basement, even when I'm alone" - 2 friends did help me with their hands with this one, (appreciated) but it did send many others away.
4. "You make me feel things I've never felt before. Even from across a room, I feel more from you than from most people actually touching me." - That guy told me he'd get nothing meaningful out of even being my friend. I had to continuously apologize to that ass for having feelings for him.
5. "I fuck my bass. I hope to be able to play it that way some day." - a last resort to get the attention of the Music Eunuchs - I had to fuck my equipment to get them to even look in my direction, and they weren't looking at me, just my gear.
6. "Every time I sit down and it feels so nice, I think of you." - that guy stopped speaking to me entirely until he hurried up and got a girlfriend after I sent him a really sexy video.
(***I now have a friend who sends me pictures to make me hot like this now! It's an honest sentiment - the pics he has sent me are AMAZING! I did some writing under this title, inspired by his cock!)
7. "I love to suck cock with my face wound done. I love to see a cock disappearing into my tattooed and wounded face."
8. "I'm into fake blood and doing my wound make-up for sexual purposes"
9. "Come play with me!"
10. "I want to climb you and chew on you!"
11. I'd love to be the "Naked-and-screaming" kind of friends most of all!
12. "I used to say I'd try anything once, but now, not so much." - I think, based on the conversation's context, this person thought I had sex with a dog or something - I HAVE NOT. It's not on the list, either. People are SO JUDGMENTAL that I can't open my mouth at all!
I lost MOST of those "friends" entirely - several stopped speaking to me from my nude photos - most would not even give me an outlet in the form of pictures and videos!!!!!!! (My female friends were there for me in that way - we send each other sexy pictures because men make us feel like garbage.)
I think my friends out there are way more deserving of "special" and my artistic, playful, creative side to (what's left of) my sexuality.
I don't sleep around at all.
I was going into my sexual peak, and was seeking a musician (preferably electronic/industrial music, but I was open to metal and horror punk) to create a musician's type of fantasy for and share my sexual peak with. The one person I really felt passionate desire for not only rejected me in a rude way, but he cut me down as a person when I was having very severe health and mental health problems. So I had been openly telling the "men" I dealt with about my peak, and my shattered state, and I had been offering my peak to someone else - in fact, I literally offered the passion I felt for that one person because I was so hurt and really needed somewhere to direct that sexuality...
Anyway, my peak PASSED.
(I make porn now for therapeutic reasons - it is for my self-esteem, because I USED to be a highly sexual person, but men I wanted never wanted me - my first 2 ex-husbands included)
I was saying such SWEET, SEXY, PASSIONATE things - it meant SO MUCH to me to begin with, especially because I don't sleep around, and sex was still "special" (to me, at least) - but every brutal rejection meant I had to ask someone else...the sexy things I had to say got a lot less special, especially when I had to keep saying these things to other people and NO ONE WAS INTERESTED!!!!!
(I have a HUGE amount of rage I need to deal with - men destroyed sex for me entirely - my sexual peak was nothing but psychological pain, my entire sexuality was ruined to the point where I am abstinent, and they made me not want the person I was in an OPEN marriage with because I was treated as PROPERTY by all the other males - so my one good marriage ended because of it. I NEVER would have married a 3rd time if I knew I'd be treated like his property by everyone else!!! We were married out of friendship - it was ALWAYS OPEN - but the way I was treated destroyed even that. My ex gave me a separation out of friendship - he was so shocked and disgusted by what he witnessed that he let me go, but it made no difference here. "Men" took everything from me - they use your body while you are young and stupid, they make fun of you for not getting much out of it, then they run the other way as soon as a strong, passionate woman really wants sex, leaving her to feel utterly destroyed and disgusting)
Here are some of the things I said/offered that sent men running: (ALL of these people had seen me dance at shows - my sexuality and my dancing were one, and I ALWAYS dance for ALL bands - it's a respect thing. It's extra insulting that they KNEW what they were turning down!!!!)
1. "Fuck me like the world is about to end and the last thing we will ever do is fuck each other! I want to crush your cock inside me while I roar in your face!"
2. I had drawn sexy artwork & offered anal sex to a Horror Punk musician - I also gave him one of my severed nipple replicas! He tried to pass me off to others in his band, claimed he wanted to be friends, and that was the last I ever heard from him.
3. "I'm so loud when I cum that people can hear me outside, even when I'm shut in my basement, even when I'm alone" - 2 friends did help me with their hands with this one, (appreciated) but it did send many others away.
4. "You make me feel things I've never felt before. Even from across a room, I feel more from you than from most people actually touching me." - That guy told me he'd get nothing meaningful out of even being my friend. I had to continuously apologize to that ass for having feelings for him.
5. "I fuck my bass. I hope to be able to play it that way some day." - a last resort to get the attention of the Music Eunuchs - I had to fuck my equipment to get them to even look in my direction, and they weren't looking at me, just my gear.
6. "Every time I sit down and it feels so nice, I think of you." - that guy stopped speaking to me entirely until he hurried up and got a girlfriend after I sent him a really sexy video.
(***I now have a friend who sends me pictures to make me hot like this now! It's an honest sentiment - the pics he has sent me are AMAZING! I did some writing under this title, inspired by his cock!)
7. "I love to suck cock with my face wound done. I love to see a cock disappearing into my tattooed and wounded face." 8. "I'm into fake blood and doing my wound make-up for sexual purposes"
9. "Come play with me!"
10. "I want to climb you and chew on you!"
11. I'd love to be the "Naked-and-screaming" kind of friends most of all!
12. "I used to say I'd try anything once, but now, not so much." - I think, based on the conversation's context, this person thought I had sex with a dog or something - I HAVE NOT. It's not on the list, either. People are SO JUDGMENTAL that I can't open my mouth at all!
I lost MOST of those "friends" entirely - several stopped speaking to me from my nude photos - most would not even give me an outlet in the form of pictures and videos!!!!!!! (My female friends were there for me in that way - we send each other sexy pictures because men make us feel like garbage.)
These guys KNEW about my tattooed lady parts.
They KNEW how loud I am when I'm intensely sexual.
They KNEW I'm into anal sex.
They KNEW I love to suck cock.
They KNEW I was only seeking ONE PERSON, and it was intended to be the last new sexual partner I would ever have in life - they KNEW I wanted so much to give someone something really intense & special, because I was saying so!
Also - They KNEW I have a fully equipped band room with a mattress... I wanted a creative & fun electronic musician to have a passionate and music-based experience with.
Isn't that fucked that NOT ONE musician wanted me?!?! Most of them didn't even want to hang out with me!!!!!
Isn't it fucked that I spent almost 3 full years being rejected & made to feel unwanted and un-sexy???!!!!!
Isn't it fucked right up that "men" here DON'T WANT a passionate, sexual woman who wants to give someone a fantasy experience???!!!!!
Isn't it fucked right up that "men" here DON'T WANT a passionate, sexual woman who wants to give someone a fantasy experience???!!!!!
NO WONDER I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!
None of them deserved my sexy art, photos, videos and passionate thoughts that were intended for someone special.
That's why I share these things with the world now - so the whole world can see exactly what NO ONE wanted.
I play by myself with my camera as my partner & lover, and the world is invited into my privacy.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Suicide: Don't Judge Things You Don't Understand
One of the women in my department committed suicide sometime in the last couple of days...
(When I speak, it is from life experience - my brother and Aunt both killed themselves, and I very nearly took that step myself last summer...)
People judge - they say suicides are cowards, and are taking the "easy" way out... those people clearly know NOTHING. There is NOTHING easy about taking your own life at all! You DO think of your loved ones - sometimes just being alive and conscious is SO PAINFUL that you would do anything to make the pain inside stop. Estrogen bursts alone can cause such intense rage or despair that every ticking second is utterly unbearable, and just getting through the day is LITERALLY almost painful from just how shitty you feel from your own body chemistry - sometimes a bullet in the head would be a welcome relief...
Emotional pain is WAY worse than physical - it can really destroy you as a person, from within. Emotional pain can take EVERYTHING from you - it can take your whole life.
(Example - my brother's death destroyed my father...he was the one who found the body... he had a premonition it would happen the week before and I think he has never forgiven himself for not preventing it somehow.)
...the judgmental "friends" that suicides leave behind are possibly a part of WHY that person's life was unbearable. I also notice a lot of "friends" at funerals or graveside that were never friends in life...but suicides usually don't have funerals - the family is usually in too much shocked despair to face people and grieve in front of others.) These kinds of "friends" are certainly being disrespectful, even if their judgements are religion-based. ("She won't get into heaven now" - that's NOT HELPFUL - how about you cook some meals for the family left behind without your voice in the matter.)
Everyone has some opinion when someone commits suicide - this is what I have to say:
NO ONE really knows how this person was feeling inside - not even those closest to them. If you are lucky enough to be someone this person confides in, you possibly know just how painful just existing is for that person - you should UNDERSTAND the need to make the pain stop.
Aside from that - NO ONE is entitled to have an opinion! Period!
No - I'm not saying keep it to yourself - you are NOT ACTUALLY ENTITLED to your opinion here! (Guess what - the family is likely in way too much grief & shock to even start forming opinions for quite some time themselves - what gives anyone else the right????)
The internet had deluded the masses into thinking every petty opinion matters, but in suicide, it is that person's life, that person's choice, that person's body. Sometimes staying alive just for your family members that love you is unfair - some of us never wanted to be alive right from early childhood. We are all entitled to end the burden that is our human condition when we decide - my poor grandmother was BEGGING for death towards the end of her life - she had dementia so badly that it degenerated her neurons responsible for hearing and sight. She was SO ALONE in a crowded room - she couldn't see or hear, and she would wake up terrified because she had no idea where she was... I HOPE I can end my own life before it gets to that!!!! My grandmother was a WONDERFUL woman who suffered so much psychologically for SO LONG - she would ask my mom, hopefully, if she was going to die soon yet...
All you can do is help the person in life, and help them understand that medication is there to HELP them and is really necessary with severe depression (it IS a clinical illness).
I respect a person's right to end their own suffering. I understand.
The other thing I have to say is this:
Every highly educated and intelligent person I know has felt suicidal at some point, or taken comfort that they could end their life if necessary - intelligence and happiness don't mix very well, because intelligent people see the shitty world REALLY CLEARLY and it's fuckin' hard to always stay happy when you see reality really clearly.
I very much hope Brandy has found the peace she could not find in life - I did not really know her in person, but I really understand.
My warmest wishes go out to her and her family.
(When I speak, it is from life experience - my brother and Aunt both killed themselves, and I very nearly took that step myself last summer...)
People judge - they say suicides are cowards, and are taking the "easy" way out... those people clearly know NOTHING. There is NOTHING easy about taking your own life at all! You DO think of your loved ones - sometimes just being alive and conscious is SO PAINFUL that you would do anything to make the pain inside stop. Estrogen bursts alone can cause such intense rage or despair that every ticking second is utterly unbearable, and just getting through the day is LITERALLY almost painful from just how shitty you feel from your own body chemistry - sometimes a bullet in the head would be a welcome relief...
Emotional pain is WAY worse than physical - it can really destroy you as a person, from within. Emotional pain can take EVERYTHING from you - it can take your whole life.
(Example - my brother's death destroyed my father...he was the one who found the body... he had a premonition it would happen the week before and I think he has never forgiven himself for not preventing it somehow.)
...the judgmental "friends" that suicides leave behind are possibly a part of WHY that person's life was unbearable. I also notice a lot of "friends" at funerals or graveside that were never friends in life...but suicides usually don't have funerals - the family is usually in too much shocked despair to face people and grieve in front of others.) These kinds of "friends" are certainly being disrespectful, even if their judgements are religion-based. ("She won't get into heaven now" - that's NOT HELPFUL - how about you cook some meals for the family left behind without your voice in the matter.)
Everyone has some opinion when someone commits suicide - this is what I have to say:
NO ONE really knows how this person was feeling inside - not even those closest to them. If you are lucky enough to be someone this person confides in, you possibly know just how painful just existing is for that person - you should UNDERSTAND the need to make the pain stop.
Aside from that - NO ONE is entitled to have an opinion! Period!
No - I'm not saying keep it to yourself - you are NOT ACTUALLY ENTITLED to your opinion here! (Guess what - the family is likely in way too much grief & shock to even start forming opinions for quite some time themselves - what gives anyone else the right????)
The internet had deluded the masses into thinking every petty opinion matters, but in suicide, it is that person's life, that person's choice, that person's body. Sometimes staying alive just for your family members that love you is unfair - some of us never wanted to be alive right from early childhood. We are all entitled to end the burden that is our human condition when we decide - my poor grandmother was BEGGING for death towards the end of her life - she had dementia so badly that it degenerated her neurons responsible for hearing and sight. She was SO ALONE in a crowded room - she couldn't see or hear, and she would wake up terrified because she had no idea where she was... I HOPE I can end my own life before it gets to that!!!! My grandmother was a WONDERFUL woman who suffered so much psychologically for SO LONG - she would ask my mom, hopefully, if she was going to die soon yet...
All you can do is help the person in life, and help them understand that medication is there to HELP them and is really necessary with severe depression (it IS a clinical illness).
I respect a person's right to end their own suffering. I understand.
The other thing I have to say is this:
Every highly educated and intelligent person I know has felt suicidal at some point, or taken comfort that they could end their life if necessary - intelligence and happiness don't mix very well, because intelligent people see the shitty world REALLY CLEARLY and it's fuckin' hard to always stay happy when you see reality really clearly.
I very much hope Brandy has found the peace she could not find in life - I did not really know her in person, but I really understand.
My warmest wishes go out to her and her family.
Friday, September 6, 2019
Lab Blab: Tales From The Night Shift
OK - Gotta share some stories from work, 'cuz I really laugh sometimes!
(I'm in Microbiology, on the Graveyard Shift)
One of my Co-workers, Imad, has the most ridiculous things happen to him - (He is older and from India too, so he is so visually mismatched to some of his funny stories)
Story#1:
For several months (a few years ago) there was some major construction project going on in the ceiling that involved quite a few workers on scaffolding right above our heads. (When they dropped a wrench, it was just a foot over my head - startles the CRAP out of you!!! The tools would usually start dropping around 6am...)
Anyway, Imad had gone to the men's washroom to take a shit one morning, and had actually finished up by the time he realized that the ceiling over that whole area had been opened up, and 2 people had been looking down at him the whole time!!!!! (Why wouldn't they go for coffee as soon as he sat down????) He won't tell me more than that - I keep asking if he still had to wipe after he realized he had an audience!
(My boss giggles so much when we talk about that one!)
Story #2:
Imad is the LEAST likely person you would guess would have a belly button ring - but yup, he does!
My boss had been teasing him about it when I accidentally divulged that information one morning - it turned into us texting her a photo of his VERY HAIRY belly and piercing (Looked a lot like a lower hairy hole I could mention!) and told her it was her new screen saver! I laughed SO HARD when I took the photo for him!!!! We told her it also comes without hair, and decorated with ornaments for Christmas Time. :) She's the ONLY boss you can joke with like that here!
Story #3:
Shortly after starting at the lab, Imad said he had a source on a sample as "Vaginal Vault" (It's just where your lady parts end off inside when they've removed your uterus.) As we usually do, he looked it up on the internet, and what he got was a full-color photo of very hairy lady parts just as my boss had silently walked up behind him!!!! "Imad!!!" She gasped (She goes bright red in the face too!) and he had to do some fast explaining that he didn't know that was going to pop up!
(Someone ALWAYS walks up behind him in the 3 seconds he might embarrass himself!)
Story #4:
Most of my co-workers pass out in their chair at some point or another due to exhaustion - one woman even falls asleep standing up, propped up on a counter!!!
2 different people now have told me they fall asleep while stirring poo samples, and they smear it up their glove and sleeve, while leaving face-prints on the plexiglass Safety Cabinet cover!!! I think I'm the only person who has NOT fallen asleep in the middle of a task! (I still leave face-prints - I'm just clumsy!)
Story #5:
One night, about 15-20 mins after the person working in that spot went home, a poo sample on her bench exploded all over the ceiling! She just missed having it all over the side of her face!!! Luckily I was on my break at the time, but that means it took me about 5 hours to figure out where that shitty smell was coming from - it wasn't until I saw the little spork from the sample jars sitting in a little blob on the floor that I started to look around... Almost the whole damn thing had hit the ceiling! It was a hilarious mess!!!! (I so regret not having a camera!) I cleaned the workspace, but left the ceiling as it was for my boss to see - she laughed SO HARD! She's so nice - she got up there herself and took the ceiling tiles out.
People out in the rest of the world really don't get or enjoy my "Off" humor, but you have to have a weird sense of humor to work here! Some nights my co-workers really make me laugh!!!!
(I'm in Microbiology, on the Graveyard Shift)
One of my Co-workers, Imad, has the most ridiculous things happen to him - (He is older and from India too, so he is so visually mismatched to some of his funny stories)
Story#1:
For several months (a few years ago) there was some major construction project going on in the ceiling that involved quite a few workers on scaffolding right above our heads. (When they dropped a wrench, it was just a foot over my head - startles the CRAP out of you!!! The tools would usually start dropping around 6am...)
Anyway, Imad had gone to the men's washroom to take a shit one morning, and had actually finished up by the time he realized that the ceiling over that whole area had been opened up, and 2 people had been looking down at him the whole time!!!!! (Why wouldn't they go for coffee as soon as he sat down????) He won't tell me more than that - I keep asking if he still had to wipe after he realized he had an audience!
(My boss giggles so much when we talk about that one!)
Story #2:
Imad is the LEAST likely person you would guess would have a belly button ring - but yup, he does!
My boss had been teasing him about it when I accidentally divulged that information one morning - it turned into us texting her a photo of his VERY HAIRY belly and piercing (Looked a lot like a lower hairy hole I could mention!) and told her it was her new screen saver! I laughed SO HARD when I took the photo for him!!!! We told her it also comes without hair, and decorated with ornaments for Christmas Time. :) She's the ONLY boss you can joke with like that here!
Story #3:
Shortly after starting at the lab, Imad said he had a source on a sample as "Vaginal Vault" (It's just where your lady parts end off inside when they've removed your uterus.) As we usually do, he looked it up on the internet, and what he got was a full-color photo of very hairy lady parts just as my boss had silently walked up behind him!!!! "Imad!!!" She gasped (She goes bright red in the face too!) and he had to do some fast explaining that he didn't know that was going to pop up!
(Someone ALWAYS walks up behind him in the 3 seconds he might embarrass himself!)
Story #4:
Most of my co-workers pass out in their chair at some point or another due to exhaustion - one woman even falls asleep standing up, propped up on a counter!!!
2 different people now have told me they fall asleep while stirring poo samples, and they smear it up their glove and sleeve, while leaving face-prints on the plexiglass Safety Cabinet cover!!! I think I'm the only person who has NOT fallen asleep in the middle of a task! (I still leave face-prints - I'm just clumsy!)
Story #5:
One night, about 15-20 mins after the person working in that spot went home, a poo sample on her bench exploded all over the ceiling! She just missed having it all over the side of her face!!! Luckily I was on my break at the time, but that means it took me about 5 hours to figure out where that shitty smell was coming from - it wasn't until I saw the little spork from the sample jars sitting in a little blob on the floor that I started to look around... Almost the whole damn thing had hit the ceiling! It was a hilarious mess!!!! (I so regret not having a camera!) I cleaned the workspace, but left the ceiling as it was for my boss to see - she laughed SO HARD! She's so nice - she got up there herself and took the ceiling tiles out.
People out in the rest of the world really don't get or enjoy my "Off" humor, but you have to have a weird sense of humor to work here! Some nights my co-workers really make me laugh!!!!
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Health, Wellness, Mental Health: Best Non-Prescription Solutions
Sometimes just getting to a doctor, or getting them to understand your issues, can be impossible! (Sometimes the non-understanding-ness of doctors can make mental health issues worse.)
If you get your internal body chemistry under healthy control, all the situational stresses and problems that pop up through life become easier to deal with more calmly and objectively. Stress is toxic, and difficulties coping with life due to body chemistry problems can really compound every other problem you have in life.
(I do work in the health industry, so I do have a somewhat educated view of things too)
1. CBD Oil (Canada only)
Stimulates your body's endocannabinoid system - relieves anxiety, stress, pain, helps with neurological issues of all kinds. Works best with THC in about a 1:1 ratio. I like the sublingual oil best, as you get 100% of the compound into your system in a ready-to-go state, whereas vaporizing requires more fussing around with potential to miss out on some of the chemicals.
2. CB2 Activators (Best in Hemp oil)
This activates your CB2 receptors directly (Synergistic effect if mixed with CBD!) to enable your body to better utilize it's own endocannabinoids, with the hemp oil providing Omega 3-6-9 fatty acids used in the production of more within your body.
***Product does NOT contain CBD or THC, but they work well together!
3. Terpenes (Pure form)
Strong anxiety? Cranky? Sore? Not sleeping well?
Terpenes are available in pure form! And they can be extracted from non-Cannabis sources, so I ordered it legally from the US. Mercene is the best-seller - it works really well as a muscle relaxant anti-anxiety solution, that is known to combat tumor growth in cancer patients.
(Also good: Limonene, Humulene for immunity, Linalool - they all taste weird, but a little in a fruit drink makes you feel so much nicer than alcohol.)
4. Ginseng
5. CES Device
We are electrochemical beings, and the brain controls the whole body - this device uses low frequency electrical impulses to pretty much reset your brain! They DO still use electroshock therapy in really severe cases of depression (It's not just some horror of the past, like in-office lobotomies - it's still around because it does help) Basically, if you feel just so out-of-whack that no solutions really bring you back to feeling like your old (younger) self, this really does feel like a "Reset" button for your brain! I was shocked how well this worked on just the first 15min use! It claims to regulate your limbic system right from the source - your brain! It claims to help everything from bipolar disorder and severe depression to low sex drive and insomnia - everything that this device claimed to help, it really did for me! (It was approved for therapeutic use by both Health Canada & the European Union, according to the pamphlet) Also promoted for chronic pain relief and migraines.
6. DIM - Daily Estrogen metabolism support
This product really saves my sanity! Too much estrogen is bad! Estrogen metabolism is very important (even in males, and even if you are not menopausal) and in women, estrogen levels can fluctuate by as much as 6000% (compared to male hormones that fluctuate only by up to 400% - info is from a course I'd taken a while back) and anything that helps safely metabolize too much estrogen will go a long way to making you feel calm and stable. (Really helps with the big mood swings quite a lot! If women you know are very stable, they are likely on a hormone-based birth control which does stabilize that stuff.) Estrogen DOES affect how the brain functions - it DOES affect emotion, behavior, memory, anger, social & sexual desire, and it is very heavily linked to breast cancer. (In both genders!) This supplement even claims to provide good breast health!
This product IS OK for men too! Many foods have compounds that can mimic estrogen within the body (cabbage is known to be a bad one) and contributes to the feminization of males. The guy I know who takes one pill a week says it really helps him focus, and removes any emotional tendencies he may have been feeling at the time.
{ ***SECRET: Women ARE all crazy - it's the fuckin' hormones combined with guys saying dumb shit right at the wrong time! If a woman is grumpy, ask her if there is anything she would like her naughty parts licked or her feet rubbed, and if she's all toothy snarls, just gently ask if she'd like anything from the store and give her some time without your voice aggravating an un-winnable situation... the anger stays after the hormones are gone... don't poke the bears! }
7. Daylight Therapy light
Good for shift work, seasonal depression, or for people who spend a lot of time indoors.
Blue light that is natural in daylight increases serotonin production (which improves melatonin production), energizes the mind and improves mood and wakefulness. Also helps keep a circadian rhythm going more correctly in night-shift workers.
Also Great:
Sunrise-simulating alarm clock with birds. :)
8. Vitamin D Gummies - Canadians are chronically low!
Low Vitamin D is connected to feelings of intense despair
(Make as many vitamins gummies as possible - then you look forward to vitamin time because it's Candy Time!)
9. Quit eating wheat...
...that's NOT just a fad, it IS bad for us as it is now. It DOES affect your mood, even if your are not officially celiac. (Even if you can digest it comfortably, a large reduction really does make your whole body feel better... Cow's milk too... the Canada food guide has been WRONG for a long time!) TRY going without - eating a meal should NOT involve a crampy or uncomfortable digesting period! Don't just get used to it - your body is telling you something when a meal doesn't sit right.
11. Ions!
Negative ions clean and freshen the air, and affect health, breathing and body function.
Areas with low negative ions often have higher migraine, MS, and other neurological issues. There is even an entire hospital built underground in an old salt mine, with tangible beneficial effects for respiratory illnesses.
Make your bedroom your "Ion Chamber" with an ionizing fan or Himalayan salt lamp! (I use both) The air actually DOES feel more refreshing - just like ocean or forest air!
12. Create a beautiful space.
Hang beautiful pictures/art/decorations around your personal space. What goes in your eyeball DOES affect your mind/feelings/mental state. Make as much of your outer environment feel like your Happy Place. If your home is your castle, maybe it should resemble one a little bit here and there.
13. Garden!
We have lost our connection with nature - growing a garden is really rewarding, and beautiful.
Plants won't push your buttons, argue, or cause other grief - even if they die on you, you won't grieve deeply (usually). Plants are the peaceful side of life, and they give off oxygen - how can you go wrong? (Extra-helpful: If you have a living companion, there is room for a Sexy Gardener fantasy in there too!)
14. Sexuality IS important to mental and physical health.
(So is safety about it) There is a REASON doctors ask if you have a healthy sex life - we are biological, and it is important to wellness...though I have not found an in-person mate that can help with that, an on-line naughty friendship is very good for the self-esteem and endorphins. Taking sexy pictures of yourself feels good when you have a friend to show and share with - everyone needs to feel sexy from within, and women need to stop complaining about dick pics. Appreciate the friendly salute and pay a respectful compliment!
[I reached a point where I refuse to keep friendships with people who are not OK with me being open about sexuality - grow the hell up! Be polite, flattering, and act like fucking gentlemen (or lady) - you do a little damage to every person you reject carelessly, so have some respect for people's feelings and psychological needs.]
There IS value in self-medication!
No one knows you like you do! Medicinal marijuana being legal in Canada is exactly about that!
(Even if you just get your anxieties under control for more serious medical-related interactions)
If you get your internal body chemistry under healthy control, all the situational stresses and problems that pop up through life become easier to deal with more calmly and objectively. Stress is toxic, and difficulties coping with life due to body chemistry problems can really compound every other problem you have in life.
(I do work in the health industry, so I do have a somewhat educated view of things too)
Here are my favorite Non-Prescription remedies!
They REALLY WORK for me!
(All available on Amazon except CBD & THC)
1. CBD Oil (Canada only)
Stimulates your body's endocannabinoid system - relieves anxiety, stress, pain, helps with neurological issues of all kinds. Works best with THC in about a 1:1 ratio. I like the sublingual oil best, as you get 100% of the compound into your system in a ready-to-go state, whereas vaporizing requires more fussing around with potential to miss out on some of the chemicals.
This activates your CB2 receptors directly (Synergistic effect if mixed with CBD!) to enable your body to better utilize it's own endocannabinoids, with the hemp oil providing Omega 3-6-9 fatty acids used in the production of more within your body.
***Product does NOT contain CBD or THC, but they work well together!
3. Terpenes (Pure form)
Strong anxiety? Cranky? Sore? Not sleeping well?
Terpenes are available in pure form! And they can be extracted from non-Cannabis sources, so I ordered it legally from the US. Mercene is the best-seller - it works really well as a muscle relaxant anti-anxiety solution, that is known to combat tumor growth in cancer patients.
(Also good: Limonene, Humulene for immunity, Linalool - they all taste weird, but a little in a fruit drink makes you feel so much nicer than alcohol.)4. Ginseng
and actually sexually arousing to a varying degree. It is good for immunity and circulation too!
Soften the dried root by making a tea, but still eat the root!
 |
| Tea Bags |
Asian women have given Ginseng to their men to enhance sexual performance for centuries - so share a cup of tea and roots with your lover!
5. CES Device
We are electrochemical beings, and the brain controls the whole body - this device uses low frequency electrical impulses to pretty much reset your brain! They DO still use electroshock therapy in really severe cases of depression (It's not just some horror of the past, like in-office lobotomies - it's still around because it does help) Basically, if you feel just so out-of-whack that no solutions really bring you back to feeling like your old (younger) self, this really does feel like a "Reset" button for your brain! I was shocked how well this worked on just the first 15min use! It claims to regulate your limbic system right from the source - your brain! It claims to help everything from bipolar disorder and severe depression to low sex drive and insomnia - everything that this device claimed to help, it really did for me! (It was approved for therapeutic use by both Health Canada & the European Union, according to the pamphlet) Also promoted for chronic pain relief and migraines.
6. DIM - Daily Estrogen metabolism support
This product IS OK for men too! Many foods have compounds that can mimic estrogen within the body (cabbage is known to be a bad one) and contributes to the feminization of males. The guy I know who takes one pill a week says it really helps him focus, and removes any emotional tendencies he may have been feeling at the time.
{ ***SECRET: Women ARE all crazy - it's the fuckin' hormones combined with guys saying dumb shit right at the wrong time! If a woman is grumpy, ask her if there is anything she would like her naughty parts licked or her feet rubbed, and if she's all toothy snarls, just gently ask if she'd like anything from the store and give her some time without your voice aggravating an un-winnable situation... the anger stays after the hormones are gone... don't poke the bears! }
7. Daylight Therapy light
Good for shift work, seasonal depression, or for people who spend a lot of time indoors.
Blue light that is natural in daylight increases serotonin production (which improves melatonin production), energizes the mind and improves mood and wakefulness. Also helps keep a circadian rhythm going more correctly in night-shift workers.
Also Great:
Sunrise-simulating alarm clock with birds. :)
8. Vitamin D Gummies - Canadians are chronically low!
Low Vitamin D is connected to feelings of intense despair
(Make as many vitamins gummies as possible - then you look forward to vitamin time because it's Candy Time!)
9. Quit eating wheat...
...that's NOT just a fad, it IS bad for us as it is now. It DOES affect your mood, even if your are not officially celiac. (Even if you can digest it comfortably, a large reduction really does make your whole body feel better... Cow's milk too... the Canada food guide has been WRONG for a long time!) TRY going without - eating a meal should NOT involve a crampy or uncomfortable digesting period! Don't just get used to it - your body is telling you something when a meal doesn't sit right.
11. Ions!
 |
| Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp |
 |
| Ionizing Fan |
Make your bedroom your "Ion Chamber" with an ionizing fan or Himalayan salt lamp! (I use both) The air actually DOES feel more refreshing - just like ocean or forest air!
12. Create a beautiful space.
Hang beautiful pictures/art/decorations around your personal space. What goes in your eyeball DOES affect your mind/feelings/mental state. Make as much of your outer environment feel like your Happy Place. If your home is your castle, maybe it should resemble one a little bit here and there.
13. Garden!
We have lost our connection with nature - growing a garden is really rewarding, and beautiful.
Plants won't push your buttons, argue, or cause other grief - even if they die on you, you won't grieve deeply (usually). Plants are the peaceful side of life, and they give off oxygen - how can you go wrong? (Extra-helpful: If you have a living companion, there is room for a Sexy Gardener fantasy in there too!)
 |
| Even in limited space you can have a beautiful garden! |
14. Sexuality IS important to mental and physical health.
(So is safety about it) There is a REASON doctors ask if you have a healthy sex life - we are biological, and it is important to wellness...though I have not found an in-person mate that can help with that, an on-line naughty friendship is very good for the self-esteem and endorphins. Taking sexy pictures of yourself feels good when you have a friend to show and share with - everyone needs to feel sexy from within, and women need to stop complaining about dick pics. Appreciate the friendly salute and pay a respectful compliment!
[I reached a point where I refuse to keep friendships with people who are not OK with me being open about sexuality - grow the hell up! Be polite, flattering, and act like fucking gentlemen (or lady) - you do a little damage to every person you reject carelessly, so have some respect for people's feelings and psychological needs.]
I hope I have been helpful!
Stay well-balanced, healthy & HAPPY!
Saturday, August 10, 2019
Angry Rant #3: When You Are a Nice Person, People think You Are Dumb
If you are a nice person, you will notice that everyone needs a favor... and one favor ALWAYS means more.
...if you give a hand, and someone wants the whole arm, it is because they think you are dumb, and ripe to be taken advantage of.
If you are a nice person, people will take and take and take from you, and tell you you are not a good friend if you don't put up with it. They will leave nothing for you, and they don't care. The world victimizes the nice, until they don't want to be nice anymore... then when they've finally had enough, it's the nice person who is perceived as an asshole when they finally stand up for themselves -
"What's your problem? Things have always been this way."
The world makes nice people less nice.
Nice people are perceived as ripe to be taken advantage of, because people are really shitty, so if you're nice, you must be DUMB, right?
...if you give a hand, and someone wants the whole arm, it is because they think you are dumb, and ripe to be taken advantage of.
If you are a nice person, people will take and take and take from you, and tell you you are not a good friend if you don't put up with it. They will leave nothing for you, and they don't care. The world victimizes the nice, until they don't want to be nice anymore... then when they've finally had enough, it's the nice person who is perceived as an asshole when they finally stand up for themselves -
"What's your problem? Things have always been this way."
The world makes nice people less nice.
Nice people are perceived as ripe to be taken advantage of, because people are really shitty, so if you're nice, you must be DUMB, right?
I used to like being nice.
I'm not sure why... I've regretted it 99% of the time.
I hate being so angry and cranky, but the only person who will protect me is me.
You HAVE to get angry, or you are surrounded by losers who suck you dry and repel the other nice people.
Angry Rant #2: Safe Sex Lecture - This one is for Calgary, and its DISGUSTING sex habits.
It has come into the news lately that Calgary is at an all-time high for STDs lately - since I work in a lab that does all bacterial STD testing for all of Southern Alberta, I feel I really need to finally lecture the really irresponsible Calgary crowd.
For a city that is bored with/has minimal interest in an actual physical sex, the sex people ARE having is so disgustingly off-putting due to poor education, an unrealistic understanding of the real risks, and really irresponsible condom use & STD testing habits.
So, Calgary, it's a good thing men here ruined sex for me to the point where I won't ever touch another Alberta man again, 'Cuz you've earned a lecture!:
1. Rule #1: ALWAYS get STD tested (and fully vaccinated - the HPV vaccine takes 6 months if you haven't had it yet) BEFORE a physical friendship (both people, YES before oral sex) - it doesn't matter what crap the person claims about being "sure" they are "OK" - it is respectful to your partner's body, your body, and whoever you love and marry in the future. One passionate experience can destroy your life...
2. NO, this does NOT MEAN you're good to have unprotected sex with your girlfriend, even if "I only go without condoms with my girl/boyfriend" - that still means you have a habit of having unprotected sex, even if it's only one person at a time. The before-hand testing is a gesture of respect, not a license to be irresponsible. (Besides, as sad as it is, often a partner is not totally honest...)
3. It's NOT JUST GUYS at fault for not using condoms - here is an unspoken truth: Condoms actually REALLY SUCK FOR WOMEN too!
(Even with lubricant, condoms pull, and some guys are not considerate enough to use lubricant either. Rule #2: There's no such thing as "Too much lube")
A woman who asks you to remove a condom is actually doing it for selfish reasons, no matter what kind of favor she is acting like she is doing for you. As soon as you take that condom off, gentlemen, you give up all of your part of control - it is COMMON for young women to lie about birth control. It is also common for women to think that and IUD or birth control pills (etc) mean unprotected sex with a string of boyfriends is OK - IUDs actually rub and cause micro-abrasions that make it EASIER to transmit STDs if there is fluid exchange. (The number of infected IUDs I have seen working at the lab made me choose never to use one - I am fixed like the family pet)
I have heard how it is WOMEN around here mainly suggesting the removal of the condoms!!!! What the hell are you doing, Ladies???!!!!!I thought you were smarter than that! I'll tell you what the problem is - lubrication!!!! No matter how wet she is naturally, the condoms PULL - be a fuckin' gentleman and just put on the condom and lube WITHOUT making her ask for it. It kills the fuckin' mood if it becomes a discussion.
4. People here prefer their friendships to be an app on their phone - don't just order a fuck off of Craigslist you filthy fuckers!!!!! Simulate sex over the internet if that's how you operate - I'd rather play with a friend's beautiful cock on my laptop than give myself to people who are not selective about their partners.
5. Unsafe sexual history & habits should be a deal-breaker. Even the HPV vaccine only covers 4 strains - there are 100+ not covered, and herpes spreads WAY easier than people realize. If some under-educated dumbass takes safe sex casually, and tells you you worry too much DUMP THAT PERSON.
For a city that is bored with/has minimal interest in an actual physical sex, the sex people ARE having is so disgustingly off-putting due to poor education, an unrealistic understanding of the real risks, and really irresponsible condom use & STD testing habits.
So, Calgary, it's a good thing men here ruined sex for me to the point where I won't ever touch another Alberta man again, 'Cuz you've earned a lecture!:
1. Rule #1: ALWAYS get STD tested (and fully vaccinated - the HPV vaccine takes 6 months if you haven't had it yet) BEFORE a physical friendship (both people, YES before oral sex) - it doesn't matter what crap the person claims about being "sure" they are "OK" - it is respectful to your partner's body, your body, and whoever you love and marry in the future. One passionate experience can destroy your life...
2. NO, this does NOT MEAN you're good to have unprotected sex with your girlfriend, even if "I only go without condoms with my girl/boyfriend" - that still means you have a habit of having unprotected sex, even if it's only one person at a time. The before-hand testing is a gesture of respect, not a license to be irresponsible. (Besides, as sad as it is, often a partner is not totally honest...)
3. It's NOT JUST GUYS at fault for not using condoms - here is an unspoken truth: Condoms actually REALLY SUCK FOR WOMEN too!
(Even with lubricant, condoms pull, and some guys are not considerate enough to use lubricant either. Rule #2: There's no such thing as "Too much lube")
A woman who asks you to remove a condom is actually doing it for selfish reasons, no matter what kind of favor she is acting like she is doing for you. As soon as you take that condom off, gentlemen, you give up all of your part of control - it is COMMON for young women to lie about birth control. It is also common for women to think that and IUD or birth control pills (etc) mean unprotected sex with a string of boyfriends is OK - IUDs actually rub and cause micro-abrasions that make it EASIER to transmit STDs if there is fluid exchange. (The number of infected IUDs I have seen working at the lab made me choose never to use one - I am fixed like the family pet)
I have heard how it is WOMEN around here mainly suggesting the removal of the condoms!!!! What the hell are you doing, Ladies???!!!!!I thought you were smarter than that! I'll tell you what the problem is - lubrication!!!! No matter how wet she is naturally, the condoms PULL - be a fuckin' gentleman and just put on the condom and lube WITHOUT making her ask for it. It kills the fuckin' mood if it becomes a discussion.
4. People here prefer their friendships to be an app on their phone - don't just order a fuck off of Craigslist you filthy fuckers!!!!! Simulate sex over the internet if that's how you operate - I'd rather play with a friend's beautiful cock on my laptop than give myself to people who are not selective about their partners.
5. Unsafe sexual history & habits should be a deal-breaker. Even the HPV vaccine only covers 4 strains - there are 100+ not covered, and herpes spreads WAY easier than people realize. If some under-educated dumbass takes safe sex casually, and tells you you worry too much DUMP THAT PERSON.
Develop a latex fetish.
Learn to love gloves! (Work with your hands - its good for spontaneous stuff.)
Trade videos & photos with a really special friend and develop your "Technosexual" side - people are heading that way, even if they aren't willing to admit it yet.
Even "Fuck Buddies" should have a safe-sex agreement and be honest.
(It's never "just fun" - respect ALL your partners)
Unprotected sex is for marriage only.
I lead by example - every time I get tested, it is done by someone I KNOW PERSONALLY, and I still face these people, even when I KNOW I am clean in order to do the right thing. (I got tested and vaccinated before my current abstinence - I hadn't even been with anyone new, and I still did it.)
This has been your lecture, Calgary.
Smarten up - for an undersexed crowd your STD spread rate is embarrassing.
This has been your lecture, Calgary.
Smarten up - for an undersexed crowd your STD spread rate is embarrassing.
Monday, August 5, 2019
Necropolis - Apocalyptic Flesh Machine
A recent track - Necropolis
That's me on guitar!
(No...this one is not 18+)
Friday, July 12, 2019
Stuff About Me - Just Because I Hate the Assumptions People Make
I don't really like the "About Me" page, but people tend to make all sorts of erroneous assumptions about me, so I'll list a few things about myself:
(I'm still adding to this)
1. My REAL NAME is Countess Coitus Carcass since 2012 - I even have a birth certificate that says that, so it looks like that's what my mom named me.
2. I DO have a job with my face tattooed. I work the graveyard shift in the Microbiology Dept. at a medical lab - I do everything from fixing expensive machinery to stirring shit and smearing it on slides. (Sometimes the poo samples explode! Good thing they are usually in a Biosafety Cabinet!) I've been there over 21 years!
- I was "semi-retired" from age 33-39 (Meaning I worked less than half of every year)
- I recently went back to working full time because I realized my time was better spent at work - I told my co-workers that I preferred their company to the people outside, and "I'd rather stir shit than have a social life in Calgary" (My real friends know I don't mean them)
3. I did many of my own tattoos myself - they may be rough in places, but YOU TRY drilling your own kneecaps, genitals, or feet with needles for hours at a time! See how well you do with that!
4. I have 3 different tattoos of vaginas - one subtle one around my eye, one warty, toothy one I did myself on my inner left arm, and the giant warty one with gore and screaming faces on my back. I have an odd sense of humor! But I used to be really silly... people are just nasty, and you stop joking around eventually...
5. I'm old...40+...you'd never guess it if you saw me dance all night - I put the 20-year-olds to shame! I'm usually mistaken for way younger because of how I act. (And I avoid daylight as much as possible! That is the key to healthy skin too!)
6. Current sexual orientation: Onanistic Technosexual = I play with myself and incorporate technology in a variety of ways. I also fuck my music equipment. Currently Anti-Human.
***I am also Anti-Breeding - the planet is FULL. You are creating your own unhappiness!(My tubes were tied long ago - let the morons breed us out, I hope to be dead soon enough.)
7. I am an Outside-the-box thinker - people who think they have me figured out are WRONG because I try to make choices and solve problems in the most unique ways that I manage to dream up.
8. Certified as a Medical Lab Assistant with additional University education in Math, Neuroscience/Neuropsychology, Cellular Biology, Psychology with casual readings in particle science and Cosmology. I only read non-fiction - usually science texts or true crime. I do math problems for fun - like puzzle-solving! I have no interest at all in any subject with a "people factor" - as soon as the humans enter the picture, all logic goes out the window, and I end up angry. (That's why I don't read fiction - character development is a waste of my life.) I tend to take in information that will help me understand my body/self/mind/problems better - I have a through understanding of others too, but I tend to only stay understanding towards people who make the effort to be understanding of me in return. I give back what I receive.
9. I am agoraphobic with severe stress and anxiety disorders, and hormone/body chemistry problems from working the night shift for so long. I have such a long history of personal issues that I can't have normal friendships anymore - I avoid other people as much as possible. I'm only OK going to work - even the grocery store is very nerve-wracking. I am "Burnt out" from stress, so almost everything is too much - I'm done trying to explain myself to my "friends" so they don't hold my problems against me, but I am perceived as seeking sympathy, or only thinking about myself... I'm done being open - people can just think I'm a shitty person/friend because of the limitations I can't help.
10. I have been very socially isolated for over half my life - when I say I am not like other people, it's for real. People here don't like "different" though - it's very cliquey here. The "freaks" have to work at it...you still have to "fit in" among the "freaks"
11. I once made it onto a list of the top 10 worst tattoos ever (my face) - I made #4. The caption below said I'd probably never get a job ever again, but it was my co-worker here at the lab who showed me, laughingly saying I probably made more money than the moron posting that list.
12. I've never ever used a mobile phone! Yup, I'm serious! It's not who I am...
(I'm still adding to this)
1. My REAL NAME is Countess Coitus Carcass since 2012 - I even have a birth certificate that says that, so it looks like that's what my mom named me.
2. I DO have a job with my face tattooed. I work the graveyard shift in the Microbiology Dept. at a medical lab - I do everything from fixing expensive machinery to stirring shit and smearing it on slides. (Sometimes the poo samples explode! Good thing they are usually in a Biosafety Cabinet!) I've been there over 21 years!
- I was "semi-retired" from age 33-39 (Meaning I worked less than half of every year)
- I recently went back to working full time because I realized my time was better spent at work - I told my co-workers that I preferred their company to the people outside, and "I'd rather stir shit than have a social life in Calgary" (My real friends know I don't mean them)
3. I did many of my own tattoos myself - they may be rough in places, but YOU TRY drilling your own kneecaps, genitals, or feet with needles for hours at a time! See how well you do with that!
4. I have 3 different tattoos of vaginas - one subtle one around my eye, one warty, toothy one I did myself on my inner left arm, and the giant warty one with gore and screaming faces on my back. I have an odd sense of humor! But I used to be really silly... people are just nasty, and you stop joking around eventually...
5. I'm old...40+...you'd never guess it if you saw me dance all night - I put the 20-year-olds to shame! I'm usually mistaken for way younger because of how I act. (And I avoid daylight as much as possible! That is the key to healthy skin too!)
6. Current sexual orientation: Onanistic Technosexual = I play with myself and incorporate technology in a variety of ways. I also fuck my music equipment. Currently Anti-Human.
***I am also Anti-Breeding - the planet is FULL. You are creating your own unhappiness!(My tubes were tied long ago - let the morons breed us out, I hope to be dead soon enough.)
7. I am an Outside-the-box thinker - people who think they have me figured out are WRONG because I try to make choices and solve problems in the most unique ways that I manage to dream up.
8. Certified as a Medical Lab Assistant with additional University education in Math, Neuroscience/Neuropsychology, Cellular Biology, Psychology with casual readings in particle science and Cosmology. I only read non-fiction - usually science texts or true crime. I do math problems for fun - like puzzle-solving! I have no interest at all in any subject with a "people factor" - as soon as the humans enter the picture, all logic goes out the window, and I end up angry. (That's why I don't read fiction - character development is a waste of my life.) I tend to take in information that will help me understand my body/self/mind/problems better - I have a through understanding of others too, but I tend to only stay understanding towards people who make the effort to be understanding of me in return. I give back what I receive.
9. I am agoraphobic with severe stress and anxiety disorders, and hormone/body chemistry problems from working the night shift for so long. I have such a long history of personal issues that I can't have normal friendships anymore - I avoid other people as much as possible. I'm only OK going to work - even the grocery store is very nerve-wracking. I am "Burnt out" from stress, so almost everything is too much - I'm done trying to explain myself to my "friends" so they don't hold my problems against me, but I am perceived as seeking sympathy, or only thinking about myself... I'm done being open - people can just think I'm a shitty person/friend because of the limitations I can't help.
10. I have been very socially isolated for over half my life - when I say I am not like other people, it's for real. People here don't like "different" though - it's very cliquey here. The "freaks" have to work at it...you still have to "fit in" among the "freaks"
11. I once made it onto a list of the top 10 worst tattoos ever (my face) - I made #4. The caption below said I'd probably never get a job ever again, but it was my co-worker here at the lab who showed me, laughingly saying I probably made more money than the moron posting that list.
12. I've never ever used a mobile phone! Yup, I'm serious! It's not who I am...
Saturday, June 1, 2019
My Toxic World: I Don't Live in Calgary, I Just Work Here
Calgary is Toxic Outside...
And it's not just the suffocating smoke that chokes everyone indoors every summer for the last 3-4 years. (From forest fires in Northern Alberta & BC)
People here have very little strength of character - they take comfort in following the rules of being a "goth" or "punk" or whatever, but they are all the same empty people inside, and are not comfortable with people in their circles who don't follow the handbook and learn all the relevant trivia. People here don't like "Outside the box" thinkers in their social circles - they appreciate uniqueness from a distance, but if you're too different, they have no room in their lives for friendship.
I have been told "You are the most "You" you that I've ever met" and I take that as a high compliment!
...except that I have also heard a lot of "You're a really interesting person, but I could never be with anyone like you." or "Nothing meaningful would come of it [being with me]"...that's pretty personally insulting, wouldn't you say?! I was bursting with creative energy and ideas, just dying to be involved in a broad range of ways, but the continuous rejection/rigidity that I was met with was brutal - in multiple types of scenes & crowds.
I am a really nice person who has made a huge effort to see things from other people's point of view, and understand others, but I get NONE of that in return! If people have no personal frame of reference for something within their own lives/experiences, then they assume what you have to say is exaggerated, untrue {I have been continuously assumed to be a liar when I talk about myself!! I never lie!!!}, not important, and they consider you not worth dealing with because of it! (I'd say "Fuck those people" but they rule this city! I can't even communicate! Example: People judge me for being so tired and unhealthy all the time from working the night shift for 20 years, like my issues are exaggerated, but they literally say themselves, "But I could never do it" ...so why am I an exaggerating whiner when my own body gives out??)
People here assume everyone else thinks like they do - so if THEY exaggerate and lie, they assume I must be doing that too. Every judgment another person makes on me is a reflection of who THEY ARE - no one has me "figured out" because I've made it my life's mission to be unique, not-predictable, and continuously changing - no one can have me "figured out" because I certainly don't, and I've isolated myself from others so much for so long, that I am genuinely, from deep within, MY OWN PERSON.
Also - I am very up-front, open, and communicate well when it's clearly important...very few people here are that way in return, even though I go first almost every time! It's fucking DAMAGING over 2 decades...people make their own silent judgments because I am brave enough to be open and real, then they shove me away because I'm too "me".
...not to mention that men won't touch a woman with a tattooed face...doesn't matter if she's pretty, interesting, fun, good at oral sex... "I could never be with someone like you." Men prefer a woman who is plain and empty on the inside, so she can be whatever he wants her to be - doesn't matter that I was in my sexual peak and looking to give some musician the ultimate fantasy... I wasn't empty enough inside for the males here... they don't like their women passionate and intense. (You'll get a fuckin' bucket of cold water dumped on your head every time!!!!!)
There for sure are some awesome people here - there are VERY FEW, and they are all really struggling hard with mental issues that come from trying to make living here work. We all cry a lot. Most of us really do feel like we are dying inside.
Even the actual environment is toxic - from migraines and MS being excessive in this area, to the heavy smoke that hangs thick in the air every summer now...even the food is toxic... both wheat and cow's milk should NOT be eaten...but even I still have pizza sometimes, and I feel how it affects me.
Making living in Calgary work for a fun, energetic, happy, creative person is an un-solvable equation.
The only answer is to remove MYSELF from this equation. More than one doctor has told me the problem is NOT ME - it IS where I live! (For sure I know this - I've been dying inside since I got here)
As my body is trapped here (for complex reasons), and my insurance won't pay a suicide, I have decided that the inside of my home is NOT part of Calgary.
I am mentally removing myself - My home is now a psychological pocket where I can be happy and feel good about myself again. My home is my own country.
[people are effectively doing this every time they make a family - "You live in my house, you live by my rules" - people have said they like the idea of creating "an army of me" (Yuck!!!! Humans are shit and the planet is full - stop making more!!!)]
The air is literally cleaner in my house. (We are told to stay indoors for health reasons)
I keep a different time-zone in my house:
Because I work at night, I have a clock that simulates sunrise and birds for me at 8pm Calgary time, and I use a daylight therapy light to get through the night (So it is my daytime). When I go outside, it is in the off hours when there is almost NO ONE around.
People really see & perceive things however they choose, so I am choosing my reality - I only work in Calgary, the fun part of me is far away, in Germany with my good friend Stahlschlag, (Sebastian Sünkler - who gave me life again <3) and with the minds and hearts of my true friends. I still support the people who have been there for me in my darkness.
Calgary has made it very clear that I'm not "good enough" for most people here, so I will never dance for Calgary again. But since my home is its own country (Carcass Country! I am President - I bribed my way in! The citizens respond well to bribery!) I can still dance for all my true friends there! It's a great thing I always preferred to dance in an empty bar anyway - I am happy dancing in my own Country for my friends!
And it's not just the suffocating smoke that chokes everyone indoors every summer for the last 3-4 years. (From forest fires in Northern Alberta & BC)
This is NOT a place for creative people.
This is NOT a place to "Find Yourself" if you have any ambition other than becoming part of the bland, family-minded breeding sector.
Even the "Creative" people are so painfully narrow-minded and limited! I've never met so many limited "Creative" people in my life!
(Like musicians or artists who limit themselves SO MUCH. Do EVERYTHING! It grows your brain! They call it a music "project" for a reason - there is so much more to it than just making music!)
I reject Calgary, as Calgary has rejected me!
People here have very little strength of character - they take comfort in following the rules of being a "goth" or "punk" or whatever, but they are all the same empty people inside, and are not comfortable with people in their circles who don't follow the handbook and learn all the relevant trivia. People here don't like "Outside the box" thinkers in their social circles - they appreciate uniqueness from a distance, but if you're too different, they have no room in their lives for friendship.
I have been told "You are the most "You" you that I've ever met" and I take that as a high compliment!
...except that I have also heard a lot of "You're a really interesting person, but I could never be with anyone like you." or "Nothing meaningful would come of it [being with me]"...that's pretty personally insulting, wouldn't you say?! I was bursting with creative energy and ideas, just dying to be involved in a broad range of ways, but the continuous rejection/rigidity that I was met with was brutal - in multiple types of scenes & crowds.
... I get Culture Shock in my own city every time I deal with the other humans outside...
I'm done suppressing my personality just to get along with these people!
I am a really nice person who has made a huge effort to see things from other people's point of view, and understand others, but I get NONE of that in return! If people have no personal frame of reference for something within their own lives/experiences, then they assume what you have to say is exaggerated, untrue {I have been continuously assumed to be a liar when I talk about myself!! I never lie!!!}, not important, and they consider you not worth dealing with because of it! (I'd say "Fuck those people" but they rule this city! I can't even communicate! Example: People judge me for being so tired and unhealthy all the time from working the night shift for 20 years, like my issues are exaggerated, but they literally say themselves, "But I could never do it" ...so why am I an exaggerating whiner when my own body gives out??)
People here assume everyone else thinks like they do - so if THEY exaggerate and lie, they assume I must be doing that too. Every judgment another person makes on me is a reflection of who THEY ARE - no one has me "figured out" because I've made it my life's mission to be unique, not-predictable, and continuously changing - no one can have me "figured out" because I certainly don't, and I've isolated myself from others so much for so long, that I am genuinely, from deep within, MY OWN PERSON.
Also - I am very up-front, open, and communicate well when it's clearly important...very few people here are that way in return, even though I go first almost every time! It's fucking DAMAGING over 2 decades...people make their own silent judgments because I am brave enough to be open and real, then they shove me away because I'm too "me".
...not to mention that men won't touch a woman with a tattooed face...doesn't matter if she's pretty, interesting, fun, good at oral sex... "I could never be with someone like you." Men prefer a woman who is plain and empty on the inside, so she can be whatever he wants her to be - doesn't matter that I was in my sexual peak and looking to give some musician the ultimate fantasy... I wasn't empty enough inside for the males here... they don't like their women passionate and intense. (You'll get a fuckin' bucket of cold water dumped on your head every time!!!!!)
People who are creative, and full of energy and life shrivel up and die here.
Even the actual environment is toxic - from migraines and MS being excessive in this area, to the heavy smoke that hangs thick in the air every summer now...even the food is toxic... both wheat and cow's milk should NOT be eaten...but even I still have pizza sometimes, and I feel how it affects me.
Making living in Calgary work for a fun, energetic, happy, creative person is an un-solvable equation.
The only answer is to remove MYSELF from this equation. More than one doctor has told me the problem is NOT ME - it IS where I live! (For sure I know this - I've been dying inside since I got here)
As my body is trapped here (for complex reasons), and my insurance won't pay a suicide, I have decided that the inside of my home is NOT part of Calgary.
I am mentally removing myself - My home is now a psychological pocket where I can be happy and feel good about myself again. My home is my own country.
[people are effectively doing this every time they make a family - "You live in my house, you live by my rules" - people have said they like the idea of creating "an army of me" (Yuck!!!! Humans are shit and the planet is full - stop making more!!!)]
The air is literally cleaner in my house. (We are told to stay indoors for health reasons)
I keep a different time-zone in my house:
Because I work at night, I have a clock that simulates sunrise and birds for me at 8pm Calgary time, and I use a daylight therapy light to get through the night (So it is my daytime). When I go outside, it is in the off hours when there is almost NO ONE around.
I make my own fun and games! I can make my world anything I want! My house is big!
People really see & perceive things however they choose, so I am choosing my reality - I only work in Calgary, the fun part of me is far away, in Germany with my good friend Stahlschlag, (Sebastian Sünkler - who gave me life again <3) and with the minds and hearts of my true friends. I still support the people who have been there for me in my darkness. Calgary has made it very clear that I'm not "good enough" for most people here, so I will never dance for Calgary again. But since my home is its own country (Carcass Country! I am President - I bribed my way in! The citizens respond well to bribery!) I can still dance for all my true friends there! It's a great thing I always preferred to dance in an empty bar anyway - I am happy dancing in my own Country for my friends!
Most of my biggest problems stem from trying to like people...
I HATE humans. When I hate them, they never disappoint me - they are shit just as I expect.
I am Anti-Human.
I am actually a really sweet and loving person - Calgary can have back the toxicity it has tainted me with. I don't live there anymore. My good energy is for other people & places.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
5 Benefits of Hydrogen Peroxide in the Garden, and other Gardening videos
Gardening is great for the mental health -
Check out these videos for the apartment or budgeted gardener:
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